March Madness is here and everyone from President Obama to your nitwit brother-in-law is filling out their brackets and hoping to win Warren Buffett’s millions.
Here at the Dirty Turban we have come up with our own challenge: The March Madness Billion Dollar* Bracket of the Absurd. Vote early, vote often and you could win.
*there is no billion, but you could win a Dirty Turban t-shirt. Retweet to win.
Jerky Region: Round 1
#1 Fat guy on mini bike vs. #16 Merkins
Fat Ass + Mini Bike = Timeless
Merkins are pubic wigs originally worn by prostitutes and Lindsay Lohan after shaving their genitalia.
#9 Beggin’ Strips vs. #8 Genghis Khan
Beggin’ Strips are a brand of dog treats that look like bacon but taste like bald eagle.
Genghis Khan was the founder and emperor of the Mongol Empire who later retired to San Dimas, California.
#5 Super Punch-Out!! vs. #12 The Periodic Table
Super Punch-Out!! was a boxing video game on the Super Nintendo console. I was never able to get past Bald Bull before I discovered girls.
The periodic table is a tabular arrangement of the chemical elements, organized on the bases of their atomic something something and that’s all I remember from high school.
#4 The Tango vs. #13 Armadillos
The Tango is a vibrant and playful dance between two people that has inspired such films as Assassination Tango, Tango and Cash and Last Tango in Paris. Get the butter.
Armadillos are New World placental mammals with a leathery armor shell and often referred to in Texas as dinner.
#6 Charles Nelson Reilly vs. #11 Moxie
Charles Nelson Reilly was an American actor who famously said, “The thing that’s funny is that everyone thinks I’m dead.” Reilly died in 2007.
Moxie is a soft drink that originated in 1876 as a “nerve drink.” Drink five of these mixed with a little Jagermeister and you won’t feel a thing for a week.
#3 The Ark of the Covenant vs. #14 Hentai
The Ark of the Covenant is a chest containing the Ten Commandments that caused all sorts of trouble for Indiana Jones.
Hentai is Japanese anime porn. Or so I have been told.
#7 Mullets vs. #10 Park Place
A mullet is a hairstyle that is business in the front, party in the back.
Park Place is the second-most expensive property on the Monopoly board.
#15 Rickshaws vs. #2 Travis Bickle
A rickshaw is a two or three-wheeled passenger car generally driven by one Brooklyn hipster.
Travis Bickle is a military veteran who served in Vietnam, lives in New York City, drives a taxi and wants to know, “Are you talking to me?”
Stay tuned throughout the NCAA Tourney for new polls in the Dirty Turban’s March Madness Bracket of the Absurd and you could win a billion dollars*.
*there is no billion dollar jackpot, but there is a handsome new Dirty Turban t-shirt.