I absolutely friggin’ LOVE Florida. The weather, the hot looking men, and the drugs. Ha! If you are not hardcore enough to do some bath salts and try to eat someone’s face off, then why not smoke some rocks and get into a badass machete fight with your neighbor, instead.
The Setting: Key Largo, Florida Keys. Police responded to reports of a man swinging a machete at people. When deputies arrived, they discovered a couple who claimed their neighbor, 53 year-old Antonio Motes-Diaz had been swinging his machete.
Upon further investigation, the couple admitted that they had been drinking and smoking crack with Motes-Diaz before the incident. Our Jason Voorhees wannabe claimed that the couple became angry with him when he ran out of crack, then said the woman spit on him and the man, identified as 26-year-old Christopher Stevens, had attacked him. Motes-Diaz then stated he grabbed a baseball bat but then upgraded to the machete to “defend himself.”
Motes-Diaz was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, and Stevens was arrested after he was searched and was found to be in possession of Xanax without a prescription. Both men are currently being held without bail.
So, what have we learned here, kiddies? 1) This neighborhood’s block party sounds like it would be a blast with all the crack and machetes, at least until the crack runs out. 2) It is a huge party foul to offer to share your crack with neighbors, but then run out. EVERYONE knows that. 3) Maybe I need to move to the Keys since I can barely even get my neighbors to share their wi-fi, let alone crack and beer with me.
We here in the Dirty South raise a machete and a Mint Julep to you, Mr. Motes-Diaz. Thank you for showing us once again that crack is a helluva drug.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling