Dirty South: The Curious Case of the Waffle House Wong Wiggler


I have said it before, and I will say it until the day I die…you men and your wieners.  I just don’t understand.  We have been focusing on lady parts quite a bit lately, so I figured it was time to journey back to the land of dongs…and unfortunate last names.

aadickheadThe Setting:  Rock Hill, South Carolina.  26-year-old Christopher Smallwood (insert adolescent giggle here) was arrested after dropping trow at a Rock Hill Waffle House in the “wee” hours of the morning.  Not only did he bust out Mr. Happy, but he also managed to “strike up a conversation with two patrons about his private parts,” according to witnesses.  Unfortunately, for (ahem) Mr. Smallwood, a police officer, who was working overtime, was also in the waffle house, saw him, and told him to pull his pants back up.  The officer also warned that any additional ween wagging behavior would lead to his being asked to leave.  Needless to say, Smallwood did not comply and was placed under arrest for disorderly conduct.

aadickdanceWhat I would like to know is, what exactly constitutes “lewd” behavior in South Carolina?  How many hours overtime was this officer working that he could only be bothered with asking Mr. Dong Dangler to leave and giving him ample opportunity to high ball it out of there?  Then, again, it is South Carolina, where banging your sister or cousin is a legal and common practice, so I think I just answered my own questions.

We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep in your honor, Mr. Smallwood.  Men with teensie peensies everywhere are now indebted to you for showing that size doesn’t matter (yeah, sure it doesn’t).  Thank you for showing the rest of us that donut shops aren’t the only places police officers frequent and that a “waffle and a cigar” now has another meaning.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling


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