I am an animal lover as much as the next person, but there is one pet that freaks me out to no end. Birds. Their weird, soulless eyes, the wings, the beaks. It’s as though Hell opened up and they were allowed to fly out to peck out the eyes of the innocent. Alfred Hitchcock even made it a point to let us all know how evil birds are. Now there is another reason to cross them off your pets list: Birds are just rats with wings.
The Setting: Mexico City (it doesn’t get any more Dirty South than that). 49-year-old Guillermo Reyes was cruising around with his pet parrot, when they pulled up to a routine DUI checkpoint. When police asked Reyes to get out of the car, they heard “someone” from inside the car start saying, “He’s drunk, he’s drunk!” They initially thought it was someone else in the car, but upon further inspection, they discovered it was Reyes’s Stool Pigeon parrot.
Reyes was, indeed, drunk and was subsequently arrested. Animal control officers were called to come and take care of the bird, but Reyes asked if the bird could come with him, as he was concerned about stress on the bird, as they had never been separated. The police obliged, and the mouthy snitch was carted off to “hangover prison” with his owner. Reyes and his rat parrot spent the night in jail, and were released the following morning.
So, what have we learned here today? (1) Birds are sh***y pets and will jack up your life the first chance they get. (2) If you go down, make sure you take the snitch with you. (3) Don’t say Hitchcock didn’t warn you.
We here in the Dirty South raise a Tecate to you, Mr. Reyes. Make sure you pluck that rat with wings, throw him on the grill with some Cajun seasoning, and show him what happens to snitches.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling