The Setting: Murfreesboro, Tennessee. 49-year-old Lonnie Hutton walked into the Boro Bar and Grill, depantsed, then began having steamy, hot man-machine love with their in-house ATM. And no, “ATM” in this case does not mean what my sexually explorative, followers think it means. In this case, it was an actual ATM machine.
When officers arrived, they saw Hutton walking around the bar naked, thrusting his hips in the air, and shakin’ it like he just don’t care. He was asked to redress, then was taken outside and ordered to sit at a wooden picnic table. Something about the wood rekindled his amorous tendencies and he again “exposed himself and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table.”
As if you haven’t guessed by now, the police report stated that Hutton “smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech, bloodshot eyes, and was unsteady on his feet.” He was charged with public intoxication and escorted to Rutherford County Jail. Bond was set at $250 and he is due in court on July 1.
So, what have we learned today, kiddies? (1) This guy has beer goggles that put all of the rest of ours to shame. (2) I don’t envy him having to pick out all of the splinters on Mr. Happy that he caught from that picnic table (we all know how slutty those wooden picnic tables can be). (3) Reminder to self to NOT use the ATM in the Boro Bar and Grill the next time I happen to be in Murfreesboro. (4) Some guys will try to stick their d*** in anything.
We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep in your honor, Mr. Hutton. This single, yet glamorously beautiful Southern gal has had her share of suitors and gentleman callers in her life, but currently, the dry spell that she is going through has her rethinking her priorities. I do promise you, my sexy and loyal followers, that I will NOT need to resort to getting busy with the ATM…I hope.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling