Memorial Day means the official beginning of summer here in the good ol’ U.S. of A and that means sun, sand, tanlines and assault and battery charges.
The Setting: Lowdermilk Park, Florida. According to police reports an unidentified woman discovered a watermelon which was carved in the shape of a head lying on the beach unattended. The head melon was attracting bugs, so she picked it up and chucked it in the briny deep, thinking that it would eventually dissolve. 68-year-old Karl Ludwig Eichner retrieved the watermelon and brought it back to its resting place on the beach. The woman, once again, tossed it into the ocean. That’s when ol’ Eichner went all Christophe Waltz “Inglorious Basterds”-style on the woman and started beating her with a pool noodle.The “Mad German” is being held on $1,000 bond and is being charged with battery.
So, what have we learned here today, kiddies? (1) The size of the balls on this woman for picking up a head carved watermelon and chucking it into the ocean, TWICE, must be enormous! (2) Chances are there are real heads in this guy’s refrigerator (3) What kind of water do they have in their ocean at Lowdermilk Park that someone thinks it will actually dissolve a watermelon? and (4) If you see something laying on the beach that looks like a head, it is probably best to leave it be.
We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep to you, woman with the balls the size of a head-shaped watermelon. Violence is never the answer, but next time, maybe minding your own business, moving your beach towel, and leaving peoples head melons alone, may spare you the humiliation of an Old English-style duel slap. Especially from a guy who looks like he could be Hannibal Lecter’s brother.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling