My wise ol’ granddaddy always said two things: 1. Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day and 2. Never trust a fart. Unfortunately, much to our shame and embarrassment, many of us have ignored the latter advice.
The Setting: Charleston, S.C. 41-year-old Ronnie Warfield had a “war” of his own going on in his colon when he entered the lobby of the Francis Marion Hotel. Warfield allegedly was unable to recall the entry code to the bathroom door, dropped trow, and decided to make a deposit right in the lobby. Freaky hotel employees reportedly watched Warfield pinch a stink pickle on the security cam before calling law enforcement.
When police arrived, they found “a large quantity of fecal matter” and Warfield cleaning himself in a bathroom stall. The police report indicated that “the stall door was open and Warfield was exposing himself to anyone who walked in.” Warfield told an officer, “I didn’t mean to do it. I couldn’t hold it.”
Warfield was arrested after he put his pants back on and was charged with public defecation and indecent exposure. His bond was set at $940. A hotel employee reported that Warfield did tell them, “I can clean it up” when he was being escorted out. He is now banned from the Francis Marion Hotel.
So what have we learned here today, kiddies? (1) Twisting out a nine coiler in a swanky hotel lobby is frowned upon, so be sure you remember the code for the crapper if you need to charm an upside down brown snake. (2) You never know when you are going to have a rendezvous with last night’s dinner, so ALWAYS plan accordingly. (3) Taco Bell will always ignite a rectal rocket and (4) I did not realize I knew so many euphemisms for pooping.
We here in the Dirty South raise an Immodium-flavored Mint Julep to you, Mr. Arsefire. Women everywhere applaud your courteous offering to clean up your chocolate rain as we can’t seem to get our men to even courtesy flush. Just please remember, the next time you have to birth a butt baby, pick a john that’s not locked down tighter than a bull’s ass during fly season.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling