Well, here we are again, Florida. I must thank you. I don’t know if it’s something in your water, the weather, or the fact that you are considered “America’s Wang,” but you never cease to keep the rest of us here in the good ol’ US of A entertained. If you aren’t sniffing some bath salts and trying to eat each other’s faces off, you are putting on private parties…while being locked up.
The Setting: Miami, Florida. 29-year-old Lakeisha Johnson was stopped and questioned by police in connection with a stolen iPad report, when she was eyeballed jumping fences and walking between houses at around 1:20am. When police began to question her, our lovely darling “started using extremely vulgar language and began removing clothing,” according to police reports. Our classy belle didn’t stop there. This sassy dame then went all Zsa Zsa Gabor, slapped one of the cops, and then yelled, “don’t touch me, bitch!” She was subsequently arrested and carted off to jail.
This is where the story gets better. Once in holding, Lakeisha, who is an “employee” at Tootsie’s Cabaret, an upscale strip club in Miami, decided to treat jail guards to a private showcase of her talents. She removed her clothes and “exposed her vagina, anus, and breasts” as well as “on several occasions, the female licked her breast and masturbated,” according to Officer Juan Canino. Lakeisha had to be reminded to keep her clothes on while she was in the holding cell and to stop masturbating. At one point, she allegedly also told Officer Canino, “I’ll suck your d*ck if you let me go.”
She has been charged with resisting an officer without violence, and her bond was set at $100. However, she still remains in custody, but is not facing any additional charges for her performance.
So, what have we learned from today’s journey into the Dirty South? (1) Tootsie’s may be “upscale” but apparently they don’t pay their dancers squat, if they can’t afford $100 bond. (2) The old “I’ll suck your dick if you let me go” bargaining chip does NOT work with Miami Police, (3) It’s good to know that I am not the only one who has to be told repeatedly to stop masturbating, and (4) you can take the pole away from the stripper, but you can’t take the stripper away from the pole.
We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep and some dolla’ dolla’ bills, y’all to you, Lakeisha. Way to showcase your talents, promote Tootsie’s, and raise the bar on “how to breast lick for a man” for the rest of us!
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling