If you are one of my sexually knowledgeable and loyal followers (which I know you all are *wink*), you will recall that Alabammy isn’t one of the most open states when it comes to the old act of mating, or anything dealing with sexy parts for that matter. If they aren’t passing laws making sex toys illegal (I’m still a wanted fugitive there), they are evacuating post offices because they consider K-Y Jelly to be a biological weapon.
The Setting: Guntersville, Alabama. The local post office was evacuated after some K-Y Intense Arousal gel leaked out of one of the packages and made its way around the site. This being Alabama and all, you can bet it didn’t makes its way around the post office the way it was intended. Anythehoo, not knowing what the slippery substance was officials evacuated the office and called in the HazMat team.
After discovering that it was good ol’ trusty K-Y, two employees who came into contact with it screamed “I do declare!,” got the vapers, were hospitalized, and are reportedly in stable condition.
The packages, approximately 12-15 of them, were addressed to someone in the “entertainment industry,” but the recipient’s name has not been released to the press. Post Office officials stated that they planned on contacting the sender to instruct him/her on how to properly stuff it in to prevent any future premature spillages.
So, what have we learned here today, kiddies? (1) K-Y lube to an Alabammy resident is like Holy Water to a vampire (2) Without their lube, the “entertainment industry” peeps may be in for a seemingly rough and dry Alabama Slammer and (3) I’m thoroughly surprised the entire state did not completely combust as soon as the lube made its way across the state line.
We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep to you, secret “entertainment industry” lube recipient(s). Way to show Alabama residents that sexy folk are still alive and kicking. Next time though, take a tip from this single, yet glamorously beautiful Southern gal and buy your K-Y in bulk. That screw on lid really helps prevent spillage.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling