Growing up in an Italian family, I was always taught that family should come first. However, today’s journey into the dirty south brings an entirely new meaning to the phrase.
The Setting: Horry County, South Carolina (yeah, I read that as “Horny County” at first too. It’s ok). 25-year-old Terry Antone Jenkins was arrested after a three-way with his girlfriend…and her cousin. According to police, Jenkins was engaged in a little kinky kinship and finished first. However, the kissing cousins continued their oral family reunion. This angered Jenkins, who allegedly grabbed his girlfriend by the hair, dragged her off the cousin, hit her in the head and face, and kicked her in the stomach. When police arrived, they noted a 3-inch scratch on the woman. Jenkins was arrested, taken to jail, and released later that evening.
Of course, the story doesn’t end there. Come on, it’s South Carolina!
After being released, Jenkins allegedly returned to the girlfriend’s home, attacked her again, and then stole her cell phone and car. He was tracked down and arrested a SECOND time, this time on domestic violence and use of a vehicle without consent charges.
So, what have we learned here today, kiddies? Well, for (1) I have already attempted to educate you on the potential dangers of what happens when you refuse a threesome, so consider this incident a supplement to that. (2) What else would you expect from a state where a majority of people feel that the mountain men in Deliverance were just misunderstood? (3) Family Threesome Etiquette-101: If you are going to be a 2-pump chump and finish early, it’s only polite for you to go for post-coital beers until everyone else finishes and (4) You may want to consider picking up women in places other than your family reunion.
We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep to you, South Carolina. Thank you for making the rest of us degenerates feel like the epitome of “respectable.” Thank you for also reminding me that I forgot to cancel my attendance at my family reunion in South Carolina this year. I really need to get on that.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling