According to geneticists, we share nearly 98% of the same genetic material as most primates. They are our closest relatives on the evolutionary spectrum. However, take one man, his wiener, some alcohol, and a few monkeys, and you may need to sterilize the s**t out of the gene pool.
The Setting: Augusta, Georgia. 32-year-old Coley Mitchell was working as a lab tech at Georgia Health Sciences University when he was discovered intoxicated with his pants down in a campus locker room. Harmless, enough, right? Well, this wouldn’t be the dirty south if that was the end of the story… When Mitchell was discovered, there were also two lab monkeys, who had been let out of their cages, in the room with him.
Mitchell reportedly became belligerent and combative when asked to leave the locker room. He was booked on charges of public drunkenness and has been fired by the university. A school spokesperson told a local news channel, “GHSU does not condone behavior that conflicts with the research, education, and clinical missions of the university and employees are expected to conduct themselves, at all times, with integrity and respect.”
The monkeys have been examined by a veterinarian and found to be physically unharmed, but one monkey apparently reported that this was his first threesome. The other monkey refused to comment on the incident.
So, what have we learned here today, kiddies? (1) “Spanking the monkey” has now taken on a new meaning, so be careful the next time you choose to use that phrase when referring to self-love. (2) Some snooty folks consider banging a lab monkey (or two) a sure fire way to lose your self-respect. (3) A threesome is a threesome no matter how you look at it and (4) why do the guys I always meet end up with whiskey dick at the end of the night when they’ve had too much to drink?
We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep and an unemployment check to you, Mr. Monkey F**ker. Way to raise the bestiality bar and show degenerate southern men that they don’t have to settle for granddaddy’s sheep, when they can go for some high-priced university lab monkey ass. College girls. They’ll get you in trouble every time.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling