Here we are again, kiddies. We once again find ourselves in the world of three-ways gone wrong. What I have already discussed with you, my sexy yet loyal followers, is that yours truly is not against the three-way. I just want you to all be informed of the perils which may arise before you get your freak on, as well as educate you on proper three-way etiquette.
The Setting: Zephyrhills, Florida. Married couple Mindi and David Rice invited an unnamed 24-year-old female “friend” to their home for a good ol’ southern threesome. The Rices injected themselves with prescription drugs, engaged in their trailer park ménage à trois then fell asleep. Harmless enough, right?
According to the police report, Mindi woke up early the next morning only to discover her Prince Charming was attempting to have sex with the other woman without her. Mindi, obviously being someone who makes good choices, reached for a nearby gun, threatened to shoot the other woman, and then fired the gun into the ceiling. David, being every woman’s dream guy, was able to wrangle the gun away from Mindi, then held it up to her face and screamed, “Bitch, I’ll f***ing kill you!” This has all the makings to a sequel to The Notebook! He then (allegedly) fired the gun once into the wall.
Meanwhile, the other woman, clearly having witnessed enough bat shit crazy, fled the home and called police. When the Popo arrived, the Rices refused to come out of the home, so the SWAT team was called in. They emerged a few hours later and David, you know, good old Prince Charming, ended up being tased after he attempted to fight with police. He was charged with obstructing officers and he and his wifey were both charged with aggravated assault. David also has another case pending on unrelated charges of grand theft, burglary, and possession of Oxycodone. Mindi, not being one to let her man take all the fame, is also serving two-years of felony probation for credit card fraud. Apparently, she stole someone’s credit card and used it to bail her prince out of jail one time. Both parties remain in the custody of the fine people at the Pasco County Jail.
Threesomes…sometimes they work out and you have a helluva story to tell. Sometimes they end with gun or knife wielding, SWAT teams, and tasers. Either way, someone wins. We here in the Dirty South raise an Oxycodone-flavored Mint Julep to you, degenerates of America. You have forever gained a fan with this gal.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling