Our previous journeys into the dirty south have taught us that some criminals have very unfortunate last names. Remember Mr. Smallwood, the Waffle House Wong Wiggler? Thankfully, Fate has tossed this single, yet glamorously beautiful southern gal a bone, so to speak, and I give you the Dirty South Guide to Unfortunately Named Criminals.
The Setting: Fort Lauderdale, Florida. 34-year-old Edward Cocaine was arrested for….wait for it…drug possession. Sorry, thanks for playing. When he appeared before County Judge John Hurley, and his name was read on the docket, the Judge responded with a laugh and a “what?”
Cocaine, who proudly stated that his name was legal and that his grandparents came over from Greece and changed it, was released on his own recognizance.
Judge Hurley commented, “I’d thought I’d seen it all. I’m still trying to absorb this.”
Along with the previously mentioned Mr. Smallwood, Mr. Cocaine is not alone in his possession of an unfortunate name. Check out the list below in our criminal name hall of shame:
Mister Love – Accused of unlawful sexual contact with a minor.
Joseph Moron (Colorado) – Accused of stalking, kidnapping, assault, and burglary.
Conor P. Fudge (Iowa City, Iowa) – Accused of ice cream store theft – stole $501 worth of ice cream cakes from a Cold Stone Creamery.
Patrick Molesti (Georgia) – Accused of trying to buy a child online.
Draco Slaughter – Accused of making a bomb threat on an airplane.
Leonard Dickman (Ohio) – Public indecency; exposed his “dickman” out of the leg of his shorts.
Daniel Noody (New York) – Accused of public lewdness and endangering the welfare of a child; exposed himself in an elementary school parking lot.
Jackmeoff Mudd (Florida) – Accused of Assault, disorderly conduct, resisting an officer, possession of alcohol on the beach, and carrying an open beverage in public.
Beezow Doo-Doo Zoopittybop-Bop-Bop – Accused of carrying a concealed weapon, possession of drug paraphernalia, and possession of marijuana.
We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, bearers of unfortunate names. Thank you for making the rest of us feel like our stupid names should be etched in a golden book somewhere.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling