A lot of weird sh*t happens in Florida as any of my sexy yet loyal followers of the Dirty South can attest. If I am not giving you sex tips and bringing you up to speed on the latest etiquette of a threesome, I am reminding you that safe sex is the best sex unless you want your panties full of crabs…or lobsters.
The Setting: DeLand, Florida. 30-year-old Nichole Ann Reed was arrested after she attempted to shoplift seven lobster tails from a local Publix Market. Security cameras caught her making a fish taco of another kind when she shoved the tails into her pants.
Reed was charged with petty theft and taken to the Volusia County Jail. She was released after posting $250 bond. The “Snatch of the Day” lobster tails were valued at $11.99 each.
Our classy lobster packer allegedly told police that she planned to trade the crotch lobsters with a friend for either a Chinese buffet dinner or some Dilaudud pills.
So, what have we learned here today, kiddies? 1) Men claiming to have a trouser snake have nothing on a woman with a 7-lobster crotch. 2) It may be a good idea to double or even triple up on condoms if you plan on being with a woman who can and will carry seven lobsters in her stench trench. 3) Look at this chick, would you really eat anything this woman pulls out of her pants? And 4) Is it just me or do the choices of chicken lo mein or Dilaudid seem like opposite ends of the food pyramid?
We here in the dirty south raise some melted butter and a Dilauded flavored Mint Julep to you, Ms. Crustacean Crotch. You’ve raised the bar for snatch smugglers everywhere, but next time, remember that your honey pot, though a handy gun holster, does not make for a good market basket.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling