We here in the South love us some guns. Big guns, little guns, Davy Crockett muskets and Rambo-sized semi-automatics. Yes, yes, yes, there’s nothing like some good ol’ rootin’, tootin’ shootin’. Unless, of course, what you’re shooting happens to be your Bald Butler.
The Setting: Macon, Georgia. An unidentified man was parked at a Sunoco gas station around 9:30 p.m. when he attempted to holster his .45. No, this is not a euphemism for his chicksicle, it was an actual .45. When the gun went off, he immediately drove to a friend’s house, dropped his pants, and discovered that he had shot himself through his El Capitan. The bullet reportedly exited through his fanny perpendicular and the spent round fell to the floor when he took off his pants. The friend drove him to a local hospital where he was then transferred to the Medical Center of Central Georgia.
This is not the first and only incident of a fandangled mandangler. In September 2012, 18-year-old Michael Smeriglio admitted to shooting himself in his frank ‘n’ beans while cleaning his gun. Initially, he reported to police that he had been shot on the street. In July 2012, 36-year-old Tavares Colbert parked his car to make sure his gun was working correctly, and ended up discharging it into his Johnson. He was on his way to sell the gun, ended up at a local hospital, and was arrested. It turns out that Colbert had a criminal record and was not allowed to possess a firearm in the first place. Oh, the irony! And in August 2011, 27-year-old Joshua Seto accidently shot himself in his manbags when he attempted to shove his fiancee’s pink Taurus .380 semiautomatic into his waistband.
So, what have we learned here today, kiddies? (1) Only a lady’s wiener warmer makes a good gun holster, but nice try anyway. (2) Penises – though necessary and highly fun to play with – are ultimately just a nuisance and get in the way of everything. And (3) Use some common sense before you have to go to the hospital and have to explain to Nurse Jackie how you blew your big bald general off.
We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, inept gun-toting hymen hammer assassins. Your Swiss cheesed gleaming love swords gave me a fantastic story and allowed me to learn more euphemisms for the jerkin’ gherkin.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling