(Enters stage right) What’s up my Dirty Turbanersssssss (crowd hoots Arsenal Hall style) hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot. It’s good to be back with my people! Can I tell y’all who’s got me mad? Can I? Mannnnnnn your boy Lifshitz got burnt like a Pamela Anderson ex by Julio Teheran last night. If it wasn’t for JT taking a giant crap on my DraftKings roster I would have cashed everywhere. Can I get a Seth Myers Really? Really?!? You put up a negative 6.30 points against the fracking Mets! Just goes to show Daily Fantasy is unpredictable. I think as a fictional, yet extraordinary retarded man once said “DFS is like a box of chocolates, sometimes Julio Teheran is one of those gross orange ones.” Oh look! Ice cream!
All prices based on DraftKings
SP 1 – Roenis Elias, $8,100: There are several mid to low cost arms today worth your time (Elias, Simon, Ventura, Fister, Loshe, Cobb). My favorite of the bunch is Elias. A lefty with an absolutely dirty curveball that keeps hitters off balance. I fully expect a big night from Elias against the Twins. The Twinkies have a 21.8% k% against lefties paired with a wOBA of .306. Both of those numbers place them in the bottom tier of the league against southpaws. Elias is improving as well. In fact his BB/9 has improved each month as the season has progressed, and his K/9 of 7.63 is solid. Bold prediction for tonight 7 IP, 9 K’s, 2 ER’s, and a W.
SP 2 – Alfredo Simon, $8,100: This guy (thumb points to myself) isn’t the biggest Simon believer. His FIP and xFIP are way out of whack with his ERA and his strikeout rates are below 6. Regression will come soon. I just don’t think it will be tonight against the Cubbies. I’ve talked ad nauseam about how bad the Cubs are in my previous write ups, so I don’t feel the need to elaborate. Simon has a high floor so I’m buying the security.
C – Christian Bethancourt, $2,100: I love a top prospect punt play and that’s what Bethancourt is. He’s been playing every day and certainly has some serious ability. So play on! I wonder if he’s ever considered Sister Christian for his walk up music? Then again maybe the scene from Boogie Nights with the child molester smoking crack while throwing fire crackers ruined it for him too….
1B – Jose Abreu, $5,100: This one is straight forward to any Red Sox fan. Two words Felix Doubront. I’d be shocked if Papa Large doesn’t go deep. DONG OF THE NIGHT!
2B – Kyle Seager, $4,600: I love that I get to use Seager at 2nd in DraftKings. Has he ever even played 2nd? Either way I like his matchup against Kyle Gibson and could see fitting a few Mariners into my lineups today.
3B – Adrian Beltre, $5,200: Beltre has been a beast all season but in June and July he’s been Ruthian. It seems like every night you can plug him in and expect some RBI’s or a homer. Check his June stats .392 average, 4 homers, 22 RBI’s and a .430 wOBA. His July stats are following suit with a wOBA of .477 and a wRC+ of 204. He faces Dallas Keuchel this evening who’s starting to regress. Then again Beltre can hit anyone regardless of stuff. I’m so happy the Sox let this guy walk.
SS – Elvis Andrus, $4,200: I need the speed! (Guru not that kind dude!) Speed and power are the name of the game on DraftKings and Elvis gives me the speed. It also doesn’t hurt that he has a .353 average against lefties and he sees one in Keuchel tonight.
OF 1 – Jay Bruce, $4,200: When Bruce gets hot he gets scorching. After hitting .300 in June, he’s slumping a little in the batting average department in July. But fear not 3 of his 5 hits have gone for homers this month. Putting him one homer behind his total for last month. He gets a Cubs pitcher today in Dallas Beeler who’s very green and has meh minor league numbers. Bruce don’t let me down! Ugh sorry!
OF 2 – Jayson Werth, $4,700: Werth has been hot the last week racking up player of the week honors. I’m hoping to get some of that heat in my lineup tonight. Not much else behind it.
OF 3 – James Jones, $3,400: A few things in play with this pick. Price, Speed, Good Matchup, and the ability to blow on any given night. On Monday and Tuesday of last week Jones had back to back nights of 31 and 24 points. James “Earl” Jones is 17 of 18 this year on the base paths, and the Twins can be run on. So the speed is real (and spectacular). Even if the middle name of Earl isn’t.
As always make sure to check the lineups, give a look at the weather and I toast your team with slightly chilled Manischewitz.
Contributing Writer: Ralph Lifshitz