Dirty South: Help! I Have Crack in my Vag and It Hurts!


A vagina is a woman’s best accessory.  It’s good for carrying your small fire arms, makes for a good market basket, and is a convenient parking spot for the occasional penis, now and again. But any girl will tell you, the whisker box does not make for a good place to store your crack cocaine wrapped in foil.

aacrack2The Setting:  Indian River County, Florida.  42-year-old Jennifer Crosby was pulled over on a routine traffic stop.  At one point, she exited the vehicle and appeared to be “nervous and shaking.”  When asked if she had any drugs in the vehicle, she emphatically stated “no”, but then changed her tune when the crack she was hiding up her hot pocket started to hurt.  She told the officer that she had drugs up her vagina, and the officer handed her a latex glove to remove the contraband.  Crosby began to remove it when she started to scream, “OUCH!  The foil is hurting the inside of my vagina!”

Crosby was arrested.  Allegedly, she had planned to sell the coochie crack to the driver of the car for $100.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) While the penis penitentiary may be good for carrying many items when a purse seems impractical, always use caution when you plan on cramming tin foil up your love hole; 2) If I was that cop, you could not pay me enough to have to touch the foil from her tuna taco; and 3) crack is a helluva drug.

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep and some Vagisil to you, Jenny.  Way to take what the good Lord gave ya and cram some tin foil into it.  Maybe next time you’ll just stick to firearms, crotch lobsters, and an occasional penis like the rest of us.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling

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