Ok, I admit it, I am a Target girl. Come on! They have four-pound tubs of Red Vines for crying out loud! I rarely, if ever, venture to Wally World for anything. But, if my local Walmart, aka circus freak show, starts selling cheap beer, then I may have to re-evaluate my priorities.
The Setting: Fyffe, Alabama. 45-year-old Christine Saunders was charged with public intoxication and possession of a prohibited beverage, with possibly more charges to follow, after police were called to a local Walmart. Saunders reportedly had a horse tied up outside the store, with three cans of Keystone Light beer tied to the saddle, in a Walmart bag. Turns out, the horse did not belong to Saunders, and was stolen from a local resident. Saunders reportedly stole the horse to ride to Walmart to steal the beer. Makes sense, right?
The horse was returned to its owner, who declined to press charges. The beer was also returned to its home in Walmart, you know, that part of the cooler reserved for the s****y beers that only frat boys and rednecks drink?
So, what have we learned here today, kiddies? 1) Alabammy…where vibrators are illegal and will get you a 10-year stint upstate, but shoplifting and stealing farm animals gets you a public drunkenness charge; 2) If you are going to shoplift beer, why go for Keystone Light? I’d hit up the expensive stuff, you know, like Budweiser; and 3) Whatever happened to Keith Stone anyway?
We here in the dirty south raise a Keystone Light to you, Christine. Normally, we’d raise a Mint Julep to you, but it seems that is too high-falootin’ for your southern tastes.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling