“Oooooklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain…” Yes, if Rogers and Hammerstein have taught us anything, it’s that Oklahoma is a place where the waving wheat can sure smell sweet. But, much to my disappointment, they did neglect to mention all the cat sex and death threats. Now that’s a musical I could watch!
The Setting: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. 23-year-old Kristina Michelle Brown allegedly pulled out a pocket knife one sunny, Oklahoma day, and threatened her neighbor, 72-year-old Elmer Morrison, asking him if he wanted to die. Morrison called police and when Brown was asked why she threatened ol’ Elmer, she responded, “because of what he did to me…I had sex with my cat and everyone knows.” After further questioning, Brown allegedly added that Morrison didn’t know that she had sex with her cat and she was just “mad at him and wants him to die.”
Brown was arrested and charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon. The cat refused comment and didn’t want to press charges.
We here in the dirty south raise a catnip-flavored Mint Julep to you, unidentified kitty. Having to endure the level of batshit crazy that you have, it is no wonder your catnip addiction has reached skid row proportions. Welcome to the Degenerate’s Club. Just remember, whatever you do, turning to a life of sex working to support your habit and “kill the pain” is no way to live.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling