Dirty South: The Curious Case of the Kentucky Carpet Muncher

aadirtysouth

Why and how I have managed to ignore Kentucky as a focus of our journeys into the dirty south is beyond me.  Apparently, they have some of the most delicious carpets in the world.  Especially when you are jacked up on meth.  Carpets as in Stainmaster.  What?  You were expecting a different kind of carpet munching?  I love you for your gutter minds.

Jeffery-WagnerThe Setting:  Louisville, Kentucky.  50-year-old Jeffrey Wagner woke up and went about his normal day.  What you are unaware of, my sexy yet loyal followers, is that a “normal” day for ol’ Jeffrey entails getting wacked out of his mind on crystal meth.  Jeffrey got himself into some of ol’ Heisenberg’s blue and decided that a journey to a local Burlington Coat Factory was in order.  Once there, he helped himself to a veritable feast of carpet lint in the shoe department.  Employees happened upon his meth-fueled carpet picnic and called police.

When police arrived on the scene, Jeffrey reportedly stated that he was “eating sprinkles.”  He was searched and found to also be carrying Lortabs, a bag of crystal meth, a bag of “mysterious white powder,” and a bag of unidentified pills.  He was charged with possession and public intoxication and carted off on his methanfelony.

tumblr_n4250lRnvH1sjbr2bo1_500So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) You all have degenerately dirty minds, and I love you for them;  2) If you are going to tweak out on the crystal and help yourself to a carpet buffet it is probably best to not be a walking pharmacy; and 3) I’ve been told my carpet tastes like rainbow sprinkles too.

We here in the dirty south raise a Berber-flavored Mint Julep to you, Mr. Lint Licker.  Thank you for reminding us how filthy our minds really are, and that meth is starting to replace crack as a helluvah drug.

aadixie2
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s