Well, here we are again, my sexy, yet loyal followers. We once again get to journey into the world of firearms and fidos. And, if we are doing them in the same article, then we must be headed back to sunny Florida. Yes, Florida. Where the crazy knows no limits and anything goes, apparently.
The Setting: Tampa, Florida. 57-year-old Bernard Marsonek, a crazy-eyed Florida resident, was reportedly witnessed engaging in a little monogamous animal lovin’ with one of his pit bulls in his front yard (Because, when you are going to go full degenerate, what better place to showcase your de-evolution than your front yard, right?) when uptight neighbors requested that he stop mid-coitus. Bernie ignored their requests and continued with his carnal canine activities. By the time police arrived, Bernie had “finished” and was back inside his home, presumably for an afterglow cigarette and a Milk Bone.
Police searched his home and found a gun and some ammo. A huge no-no as it seems Bernie had previous felony convictions and was not supposed to be in possession of a firearm. I know, right? I was just as surprised as you! Animal control officers also removed eight Pit Bulls, which were also found in the home.
He was arrested on felony charges of aggravated animal cruelty, two counts of being a felon in possession of a firearm, and a misdemeanor count of sexual activity with an animal. He was held on $17,500 bond, but he somehow managed to post it and was released while an investigation is pending.
So, what have we learned here today, kiddies? 1) I understand a degenerate’s need to showcase their depravity, but can we just, maybe once, keep it indoors? 2) Is it just me or the crazier the eyes on the individual, the more sense these stories make? And 3) I keep picking up more sexy followers so you are all either enthralled by my reporting, or you’re just as much of a degenerate as I am. Either way, I love you.
We here in the dirty south raise an all too familiar Beggin’ Strip flavored Mint Julep to you, unidentified pup. You really did take one for the team on this one. Here’s hoping you can make it out of this situation without Sarah McLachlan stepping in and writing a shitty song about your ordeal that makes me misty when I’m PMSing.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling