Dirty South: Note to Self: Shooting Imaginary Gorillas in My Living Room Won’t End Well


As previously established here in the dirty south, we love ourselves some guns.  Big guns, guns small enough to fit conveniently in your vag (aka Hoo-ha Holster), semi-automatics, yes, we love our guns.  They come in so handy for taking care of the errant home invader.  Even if that home invader is an imaginary gorilla.

25283865The Setting:  Decatur, Tennessee.  An unidentified man called Decatur police to report “giant apes” were “gallivanting in” his home after he planted himself in his recliner and took aim at them with his shotgun.  As you probably guessed, the apes weren’t real, but dag-gummit, he thought they were.

At some point the apes**t must’ve hit the fan, because the man stopped speaking with dispatchers on the phone and left phone off the hook.  When officers arrived, they found him in his recliner holding a shotgun.  He had allegedly fired shots into the wall.

He was taken to a nearby mental hospital for evaluation.  No charges were filed.  The imaginary gorillas had apparently finished their “gallivanting” before police arrived and fled the scene.

1396834000632So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) Gallivanting apes will NOT be tolerated in some homes in Decatur, Tennessee; 2) ANYONE can get a firearm in this country; and 3) Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape..

We here in the dirty south raise a gunpowder and antipsychotic flavored Mint Julep to you, unidentified man.  Having to deal with unruly, imaginary apes in your home is quite the inconvenience.  Next time, maybe you should just treat them to a slideshow of last year’s vacation to Pigeon Forge.  Nothing clears a room faster than a barrage of pics from Dollywood.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling


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