Red Sox Trade Jon Lester to Oakland For Yoenis Cespedes and Jonah Hill

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You have to hand it to Billy Brad Pitt Beane, he’s got some some big money balls. Thursday morning, the Boston Red Sox shipped ace left-hander and two-time World Series champion Jon Lester (along with American hero Jonny Gomes) to Beane’s Oakland A’s for slugger Yoenis Cespedes and Academy Award nominated actor Jonah Hill.

When asked to comment, Billy Pitt said, “I know Jonah got a couple Oscar nominations, but this money ball stuff is getting kinda old. We’d like to win a playoff game. Besides, Angelina and I have 42 kids to feed.”

Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington said, “Cespedes gives us a big righty bat at Fenway and we sure hope we get the fat Jonah Hill because the skinny one isn’t as funny and just looks weird.”

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Featured Writer: The Guru

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(PHOTO) Richard Sherman Gives Patrick Peterson the One Finger Salute

Arizona Cardinals cornerback Patrick Peterson signed a 5-year, $70 million extension making him the highest paid defensive back in the NFL and it’s worth just a few bucks more than the contract inked by Seahawks All-Pro corner Richard Sherman.

That’s an all world burn! 

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Featured Writer: The Guru

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(VIDEO) Sharknado Destroys Citi Field, Best Thing to Happen to the Mets Ever

Sharknado 2: The Second One hits the SYfy channel tonight and it’s going to break the hell out of Twitter. Here’s a sneak peak of the sharknado ripping up Citi Field. A sharknado may be the only thing to save the Mets season.

Hold on, is that Mark McGrath? Acting? Please let him get eaten by a hammerhead. And please show Tara Reid’s boobies.

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The Daily Degenerate Fantasy Baseball Picks 7/30

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Happy Hump Day, Dirty Turbanites. After a long and glorious hot streak, my winning ways came to an end last night as I finished out of the money for the first time in over a week. No need to shed internet tears for me, loyal readers. Remember, not only am I well-spoken and incredibly talented, but I’m also stunningly handsome.

ugly MLB decided to split the schedule again today so we have 6 games in the afternoon and 9 games on the PM schedule. Shockingly, I have a job and need to work during the day so I’m focusing on the night slate.

Want to play with the Dirty Turban crew on DraftKings tonight? Click this link. Here’s the Legendary (& Handsome) Lifshitz team tonight on DraftKings

SP 1 – Zack Greinke, $10,600: Over the last few weeks I’ve switched my strategy and begun to pay up for pitching. Tonight, I’m buying Greinke, I love the matchup against the whiff happy Braves andI have a feeling he could hit double digit K’s and out score the more expensive King Felix

SP 2 – Corey Kluber, $9,400: There aren’t many pitchers I own more shares of in fantasy leagues this year than Kluber. He’s also been a great play on dailies for most of the year. The matchup against a mediocre Mariners lineup tonight has me buying Corey K’s.

C – Caleb Joseph, $2,000: Punt Alert! Everyone’s favorite punt play gave way to Nick Hundley yesterday. This means he’s (more than likely) in the lineup tonight. At a cost of $2,000 he’s a great way to open up some cash for the big bats. CJ is like the Dollar menu of DFS – always tasty, but mostly causes extreme flatulence.

1B – David Ortiz, $5,400: Ortiz has been one of the few bright spots in the Sox lineup this year as he’s continued to hit regardless of the mediocrity around him. Over the last week, Papi has been hot, hitting 5 homers over the last 9 games. Tonight’s matchup vs Mark Buehrle looks tasty from a BvP standpoint. Ortiz is 25/79 with 4 homers and 14 RBI’s lifetime off the lefty. That’s a huge sample size and Ortiz is in the groove. Sign me up! Dong of the night.

2B – Yangervis Solarte, $3,400: Solarte is a great example of how quickly life can change. Back in April and May he was a .300 hitter in the Yankees lineup and now he plays for the Padres. What a ride! His 2014 season is like the baseball equivalent of Antoine Walker’s life!

3B – Brock Holt, $4,000: Am I building a Red Sox stack? I just might be. Not much data with this pick, but I like Holt and at $4,000 he’s one of my favorite players at the hot corner today. Doesn’t that sound like Gentleman’s Club? The Hot Corner, home of $150 hand jobs!

SS – Andrew Romine, $2,600: Suarez was pulled from last night’s game, so I’m expecting Romine to get the starting nod tonight for the Tigers. I’m hoping Andy Lettuce brings some green to my team. Oh and some vitamin A! Vitamin A is important guys!

OF 1 – Jose Bautista, $5,600: This pick was originally based on Joey Bats career BvP against Jon Lester. Due to the Red Sox desire to be the Tampa Bay Rays, they have decided to scratch Lester from his start, signaling a trade is on the horizon. I could go on all day about the stupidity of this move but I won’t. Instead, I’ll focus on Joey Bats and his current hot streak. In his last 7 games, Jose has scored in double digits 5 times. Over that span his lowest scoring game is 7. I’d be shocked if he doesn’t put one in the seats tonight.

OF 2 – David Murphy, $3,600: His numbers vs. Felix Hernandez are a total anomaly. He’s 24/78 with 3 homers and 16 RBI’s. That’s just crazy and it’s a pretty substantial sample size to draw from too. I’ll give Murphy a go and see if he can capture some of that magic again tonight.

OF 3 – Jonny Gomes, $3,200: Jonny Gomes loves a few things: Himself first and foremost, America, and hitting lefties. The man is to hitting lefties what Rajai Davis is to SAGNOF. He just crushes lefty pitching and his BvP lifetime against Buehrle is right in line with that train of thought – 11/33 with 4 walks tells me there’s a good chance for a profit tonight.

As always be sure to check the lineups, give a look at the weather and I toast your team with slightly chilled Manischewitz.

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Contributing Writer: Ralph Lifshitz

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Dirty South: What Do You Mean Hookers Aren’t a Business Expense?

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As a savvy business woman, this single, yet glamorously beautiful southern gal has had to fill out her fair share of expense reports.  Some places are pretty open with what they allow you to claim, while others are just downright stingy.  One thing that is universally frowned upon is attempting to use company checks to “rent” a lady for a little boot knockin’, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.

Charles-West-arrested-jpgThe Setting:  Slidell, Louisiana.  24-year-old Charles West, an employee at a local suburban health food store, showed some exceptional judgment and business sense when he used a $200 company check to pay for a hooker he set up a “business” meeting with in the back room of the store.

What Chuckie neglected to pay attention to was the surveillance cameras throughout the store.  Yep, you guessed it…busted.  The store’s manager discovered that the check was missing and then saw the debauchery in its entirety when the video footage was reviewed.

33a273beba9ac9f913681ebff69d4c8eWest was arrested on charges of theft, forgery, and soliciting a prostitute as it seems he had the common sense to at least forge the manager’s name on the check.  He remains in the custody of the good people of the New Orleans Jail.

The self-employed business woman who’s services West commissioned has not been arrested, but police plan to, once she is identified.

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, Charles.  Once you are a free man you can always look forward to using your unemployment checks to pay for your dirty, dirty sexy time.  I am pretty sure THAT is legal…well, maybe not in Alabama.

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Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
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(PHOTOS) Morning Wood: Weird Wednesday – When Did Sand Butts Become a Thing?

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We must have missed the memo, but apparently sandy beach butts are the new big thing on social media. We’re not sure, but we believe Kim Kardashian is somehow to blame for this. Or should we thank her?

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Have a happy hump day!

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