Dirty South: Man Wakes Up From Surgery, Discovers He’s D**kless

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It has been noted in many a Dirty South article before that Alabammy is less than open-minded when it comes to anything “south of the border.”  However, it seems that passing laws to make sex toys and lady parts illegal wasn’t enough for their fragile, Puritanical sensibilities.  Gentlemen, Alabammy just stepped up their game in the “we won’t tolerate private parts ‘round here” arena, and you aren’t going to like what you hear.

images (2)The Setting:  Birmingham, Alabama.  56-year-old Johnny Lee Banks, Jr., checked into a local hospital for a routine circumcision, and awoke to find his wink-a-doodle had been completely amputated during the surgery.  Banks is now suing Simon-Williamson Clinic and the Urology Centers of Alabama and as he stated that he was not provided a reason by any medical staff as to why his love muscle had been removed.

6a00e54f9153e088330133f453ea13970b-600wiBanks, who is married but presently unemployed due to an undisclosed disability “is devastated,” according to his attorney, John Graves.  A hospital spokeswoman, Kate DeWitt Darden, dropped her two cents in to the ring by making one of the stupidest comments of the year: “His allegations are without merit.  We intend to defend all counts aggressively.”

Without merit!?  They guy is missing his dong, lady!  Wow, those Alabamians REALLY don’t want to believe that sexy parts exist!

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, Mr. Banks.  While the women of Dirty South Nation applaud you for finally wanting to get rid of that anteater at 56, we also believe that a penis is a terrible thing to waste.

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aadixie2
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

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Dirty South: Woman Rides Stolen Horse to Shoplift Beer at Walmart

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Ok, I admit it, I am a Target girl.  Come on!  They have four-pound tubs of Red Vines for crying out loud!  I rarely, if ever, venture to Wally World for anything.  But, if my local Walmart, aka circus freak show, starts selling cheap beer, then I may have to re-evaluate my priorities.

thiefThe Setting:  Fyffe, Alabama.  45-year-old Christine Saunders was charged with public intoxication and possession of a prohibited beverage, with possibly more charges to follow, after police were called to a local Walmart.  Saunders reportedly had a horse tied up outside the store, with three cans of Keystone Light beer tied to the saddle, in a Walmart bag.  Turns out, the horse did not belong to Saunders, and was stolen from a local resident.  Saunders reportedly stole the horse to ride to Walmart to steal the beer.  Makes sense, right? 

horseThe horse was returned to its owner, who declined to press charges.  The beer was also returned to its home in Walmart, you know, that part of the cooler reserved for the s****y beers that only frat boys and rednecks drink?

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) Alabammy…where vibrators are illegal and will get you a 10-year stint upstate, but shoplifting and stealing farm animals gets you a public drunkenness charge; 2) If you are going to shoplift beer, why go for Keystone Light?  I’d hit up the expensive stuff, you know, like Budweiser; and 3) Whatever happened to Keith Stone anyway?

We here in the dirty south raise a Keystone Light to you, Christine.  Normally, we’d raise a Mint Julep to you, but it seems that is too high-falootin’ for your southern tastes.

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aadixie2
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: K-Y Spill Leads to ‘Bama Evacuation

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If you are one of my sexually knowledgeable and loyal followers (which I know you all are *wink*), you will recall that Alabammy isn’t one of the most open states when it comes to the old act of mating, or anything dealing with sexy parts for that matter.  If they aren’t passing laws making sex toys illegal (I’m still a wanted fugitive there), they are evacuating post offices because they consider K-Y Jelly to be a biological weapon.

The Setting:  Guntersville, Alabama.  The local post office was evacuated after some K-Y Intense Arousal gel leaked out of one of the packages and made its way around the site.  This being Alabama and all, you can bet it didn’t makes its way around the post office the way it was intended.  Anythehoo, not knowing what the slippery substance was officials evacuated the office and called in the HazMat team.

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After discovering that it was good ol’ trusty K-Y, two employees who came into contact with it screamed “I do declare!,” got the vapers, were hospitalized, and are reportedly in stable condition.

The packages, approximately 12-15 of them, were addressed to someone in the “entertainment industry,” but the recipient’s name has not been released to the press.  Post Office officials stated that they planned on contacting the sender to instruct him/her on how to properly stuff it in to prevent any future premature spillages.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  (1) K-Y lube to an Alabammy resident is like Holy Water to a vampire (2) Without their lube, the “entertainment industry” peeps may be in for a seemingly rough and dry Alabama Slammer and (3) I’m thoroughly surprised the entire state did not completely combust as soon as the lube made its way across the state line.

We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep to you, secret “entertainment industry” lube recipient(s).  Way to show Alabama residents that sexy folk are still alive and kicking.  Next time though, take a tip from this single, yet glamorously beautiful Southern gal and buy your K-Y in bulk.  That screw on lid really helps prevent spillage.

aajelly1

 

aadixie2
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

The Dirty South: Sex Toys Illegal in Alabama. I Am Now a Wanted Fugitive

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Alabama is an interesting place to visit, but you won’t want to stay there.  Come on, the University of Alabama has shown you that!  But, some interesting news out of the Dirty South that you, my loyal and oh so sexy followers may not know, is that sex toys are illegal in Alabama, and have been since 1998. As if this was not ridiculous enough, first time offenders may face a $10,000 fine and a year in prison, while repeat offenders can face up to 10 years in prison. I’m looking at 25 to life here!

aacucumberThe Anti-Obscenity Enforcement Act of 1998 is an Alabama law that criminalizes the sale of sex toys.  The law was originally sponsored by some male senator who was apparently so intimidated by the size of a vibrator that he made sure he included, “any person to knowingly distribute, possess with intent to distribute, or offer or agree to distribute any obscene material or any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs for anything of pecuniary value.”

It doesn’t take Freud to pick apart the undertones of his motives there.  Methinks wifey, or mistress, had a battery operated boyfriend on the side that he couldn’t measure up to. Better lock her up.

aadongsquadHave no fear, ladies of Alabama.  Exemptions do exist for “bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial, or law enforcement purposes.” Law enforcement? Is there a ‘Bama SWAT team known as the “dong squad” or something?

So, what have we learned in this entry into the Dirty South?  (1) I am now a wanted fugitive in Alabama and my B.O.B. and I are on the run, (2) there’s a law enforcement purpose to own a sex toy, and (3) I will be getting a doctor’s note for B.O.B. the next time I plan a trip to Alabama.

Stay classy, ‘Bama.  Here in the Dirty South I’d waise my wabbit to you, but I don’t want to make any other male senators uncomfortable…plus my editor won’t want to shell out 10-g’s to bail me out of jail. [ed. note: You’re getting the chair, Dixie.]

aadixie1
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Alabama Safety Landon Collins Has Twitter Slap-Fight with Oklahoma Fans and Solidifies Why Everyone Hates Alabama Football

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It seems that Nick Saban’s daughter, Kristen, isn’t the only one who knows how to get into a catfight. ‘Bama defensive back Landon Collins is now stepping up and showing some claws as well…from the safety of Twitter that is.

Collins came under fire by some Oklahoma fans and an OU player on Twitter yesterday due to some comments Collins made to ESPN.com about Alabama’s Sugar Bowl Loss:

“That just fires it up, because we know what type of defense we are. We already know what we are capable of. Just to hear that we got picked apart by an offense that shouldn’t have been on the field with us, that’s a disgrace to Alabama defense. We need to pick it up from that standpoint.”

Sounds like sour grapes to me, but hey, I’m an Aggies Fan, so anytime I can see the Tide “Roll” over and die, I am a happy girl!  Here are the Tweets that Collins et. al. posted, showing us all, once again, Twitter gives us bigger balls than Elephantitis and that proper spelling and grammar aren’t necessarily top of the teaching priorities list at Alabama.

Happy reading, y’all!

aadixie1
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports 
#TheDirtyTurban