Cleveland Cavaliers | the DIRTY TURBAN

New York City strip club Scores really wants Carmelo Anthony to re-sign with the Knicks. They want him back so bad that they are offering ‘Melo free lap dances. For life.

According to TMZ Sports, Scores New York is also offering Carmelo the chance to judge the Scores “Dollars for Scholars” amateur pole dancing competition, which gives a $15,000 scholarship in his name to one lucky young lady. How generous! If that wasn’t enough, Scores will also invite him to play in a charity basketball game featuring nothing but topless women. No hand fouls!

Meanwhile in Cleveland, the Angry Beaver strip club is offering LeBron James one free lap dance from this lady.

Have fun in Cleveland, Bron Bron.

Featured Writer: The Guru
@TheGuruGS
#TheDirtyTurban

Greetings!! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, here to deliver my very first NBA mock draft…well, at least the top 4 picks. You’ve probably heard of me as I’m a multi-sport writer/Twitter legend at Razzball.com as well as the only model/fantasy sports writer in the history of the universe. The wise and powerful Guru has enticed me into writing for this site by vowing to sign over 50 percent of the profits he receives after selling the Dirty Turban to some Arab sheik with 45 wives in the very near future.

Today, I’m gonna drop some knowledge on that a$$, by informing you what I believe the teams in this year’s lottery should do. I study NBA rosters with the same tenacity that the Guru examines Stone Temple Pilots’s lyrics, so doubt me if you shall but the Elder Gods have already deemed me worthy and crossing them is like trespassing on Ted Nugent’s property and blaring N.W.A.

Now, I’m not going to get into how people who hate the NBA disgust me for I know there are many of you ( The Guru included) who read this incredible website and to do that would turn you off. What I am going to do is muster up whatever persuasive abilities I possess and pray to the Elders that they reach you, for the NBA is a wondrous sport, showcasing individual talent more than any game out there ( No, I’m not counting tennis, golf or bowling. GTFO). Obviously, all this said, persuasion isn’t going to occur today, but as we delve into free agency and post-draft analysis, I expect you to at least create goals for yourself, such as: 1) Watching one NBA game a month. 2) Watching NBA highlights. And 3) Sending me naked pics of your significant other.

Enough rambling. Let’s do this mock thing right.

1. Cleveland Cavaliers – Andrew Wiggins, SG, Kansas

Tha struggle is real, ya’ll. Ever since King James left town, Cleveland has seemingly become one of the five most poorly run franchises in the NBA. I suppose that’s not too shocking considering that even when they were gifted with LeBron they were still one of the most disgracefully operated franchises in the league. My apologies, for I’m getting off track here, but it’s hard for me to imagine an organization doing a more pathetic job. Let’s not mention the Browns for Cleveland’s sake.

Jabari Parker may fill a more pressing need right now, but Wiggins possesses the superior upside. A 6-8 shooting guard with a 44 inch vertical, elite defensive skill set, and a gorgeous deep stroke that would make Peter North green with envy? Yes Please. Forgive me if I’m wrong but the Cavs drafted an overweight supposed scoring machine number one overall last season in Anthony Bennett. Forgive me again, but the fact that Parker is coming into these workouts overweight, at the age of 10 and 9 is disgusting. Embiid would have been a nice selection, but I’m just not a high on drafting centers with fractures in their back and foot before they ever see the court.

I’d like to witness this starting 5 for Cleveland next season:

PG: Kyrie Irving

SG: Andrew Wiggins

SF: Anthony Bennett

PF: Tristan Thompson

C: Tyler Zeller

Dion Waiters then becomes a nice weapon off the bench which is exactly what you desire from a player you just drafted in the top 5 a few years back……..Ughhhhh. Let’s be real; Cleveland will probably dump Waiters for a veteran player or pick on draft night but I would keep him. The rest of this roster is an absolute travesty. Yes, they’ll have over $30 million in cap space next summer and No, they still won’t be able to bring in any marquee free agents.

2. Milwaukee Bucks – Dante Exum, PG, Australia

Parker would certainly be a nice fit in a Milwaukee lineup devoid of any offense, but I simply can’t get over how obese he is. Seriously, dude looks like he’s been hitting Red Lobster’s all you can eat shrimp fest 3 times a day…with dessert! Those rolls they got tho! Speaking of rolls, Parker’s obvious food addiction should be a major concern to all NBA teams as his gluttony is the only road block he faces en route to NBA stardom. If you poked him in the stomach he’d probably go, “hoo-hooooo.”

Exum, on the other hand, has the look of a Greek God! At 6-6, this 18 year old phenom will easily be able to guard shooting guards allowing the Bucks to shift Brandon Knight over to shooting guard in the short term. Exum needs to work diligently on his outside shot but let’s be clear, his jump shot is one million times better than Ricky Rubio’s( not literally). In the short term, the Bucks will still swallow rhino d*ck, but imagine a lineup with Exum, Antetokounmpo, Larry Sanders and Jon Henson a few years from now. Add another shooter into that mix and sh!t could get funkier than a pair of Lindsay Lohan’s drawls.

3. Philadelphia 76ers – Jabari Parker, SF, Duke

We’ve already gone over Parker’s love for grease caked and fatty foods, but the fact is I love the poor man’s Carmelo’s game. He’s the most NBA ready scorer in this draft and should fit in nicely with last year’s choices Noel and Carter-Williams. Philly also holds the number 10nth overall selection and should look to draft a shooting guard or possibly package this pick with Thadeus Young to move back up and draft Embiid, which is the move I would personally make. I’ve heard rumors of the 76ers possibly trading away Michael Carter-Williams with the aforementioned Young to move back up to get Exum, and I can’t argue with that either. Either way, Philly absolutely must make this a franchise changing draft and I believe they will execute. Witness.

4. Orlando Magic – Noah Vonleh, PF, Indiana

It’s taken a while for me to warm up to Vonleh, but at long last I’m sold! A 6-10 athletic freak with a gorgeous jump shot? Yea, I’ll take that errr day. The Magic would jump all over Exum if he was available in this spot and my sources tell me they’re attempting everything within their power to move up and make it happen. I would also be fine with Embiid going here but he’s sitting out the year. Marcus Smart makes sense and would definitely make more of an immediate impact than Vonleh, but this monstrous handed stallion has me frothing at the mouth like Eric Karabell at a Magic the Gathering convention.

5. Utah Jazz – Julius Randle, PF, Kentucky

What Utah truly needs is a wing like Wiggins or Parker but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards though if I were running the show I would offer Hayward and the 5^th pick and see if that gets it done. It’s been said they also covet Exum but Trey Burke looked good to me last season, though he certainly doesn’t possess the same upside.

In this instance I have Utah selecting Randle as he has more upside than anyone left on the board other than Embiid. Many “experts” compare Randle to Zach Randolph but I don’t believe I’ve ever witnessed Zachariah throwing down between the leg dunks. The Jazz already have an athletic center in Derrick Favors making the selection of Embiid unlikely. I haven’t witnessed Randle going here in many mock drafts but I love the fit of him playing next to Favors. They compliment one another far better than say, Favors and Aaron Gordon.

6. Boston Celtics – Joel Embiid, C, Kansas

Just as their city’s baseball team seems on track to be shortly, the Celtics are in total rebuild mode. Given that the Celtics have no semblance of big men on their roster and that Ainge seems intent on starting from scratch, Embiid is the easy choice and buys him an extra year as GM, you know, because it’s not his fault the team blows D.

7. Los Angeles Lakers – Aaron Gordon, PF, Arizona

Gordon is the last monster-upside guy left other than possibly James Young or Dario Saric and the Lakers have no choice but to draft him. The jumper isn’t a total disgrace as I’ve witnessed Gordon dropping a couple 3-balls in college and the athleticism has been compared to Blake Griffin so that’s good enough for me. L.A. is in total rebuild mode and Gordon is a nice start.

8. Sacramento Kings – Marcus Smart, PG, Oklahoma State

I hate to make this selection considering I love current Kings PG, Isaiah Thomas like the son I always desired. Gordon would have been perfect here, giving them a defensive minded player to play next to Cousins. Zach LaVine from UCLA also intrigues me as he’d give the Kings a monster they could play at possibly 3 different positons but I’m going to go with Smart here as it seems the Kings aren’t sold on Thomas as their point guard of the future.

Speaking of Thomas, can you believe he was the last pick in the draft a few years back? The Heat drafted Norris Cole in the first round that year. Would Thomas have made a difference with his superior jump shot and passing abilities? Some would say it is so.

9. Charlotte Hornets – James Young, SF, Kentucky

I haven’t seen Young going to Charlotte in any mock drafts thus far as instead they seem to be going with Doug McDermott. Michael Jordan tha God, already drafted Adam Morrison so do you really think he will select Morrison Jr. this year? I pray not, for his sake. Young is one of my favorite players in this draft and I like the lineup of him playing next to MKG. Charlotte is in dire need of shooters and Young has one of the prettier shots you shall ever witness.

10. Philadelphia 76ers – Gary Harris, SG, Michigan State

In this spot I was debating between Harris and Nick Stauskas. When in doubt I always go black. On the other hand Stauskas is European and I have much more faith in them than I do American whiteys. Still, I love Harris’s game and though I don’t envision a Hall of Fame career, I could see him possibly making a couple all-star teams.

11. Denver Nuggets – Zach LaVine, PG, UCLA

I don’t love this fit for Denver but they are loaded up with athletic big men and possess an all-star level point guard in Ty Lawson, leaving shooting guard as a weakness. The aforementioned Stauskas would be a nice fit as well but frankly LaVine’s freakish athletic ability and drone-like long range bombing capabilities give me an erection and that’s usually a sign of great things on the horizon.

12. Orlando Magic – Elfrid Payton, PG, Louisiana Lafayette

Orlando needs a point guard like Christian Slater needs a career switch. This simply has to happen. Payton is intriguing and fits decently well next to Oladipo. Dipo was a nice combo guard but I’d guess any pipe dreams Orlando had about him developing into a point guard have dissipated. Again, Orlando wants Exum so this pick may end up going towards making that happen or if Exum drops to them at 4, look for them to draft Euro legend, Dario Saric.

13. Minnesota Timberwolves – ???

Did I mention that I’m available for Minnesota’s general manager position whenever they’re ready to give a young brotha a chance? Wow, what a mess!!! You couldn’t paint an uglier picture if you locked Tom Sizemore, Nicolas Cage’s son, Weston, and Joaquin Phoenix all in a room and proceeded to slide a bucket of crystal meth inside.

When, not if the Wolves lose Kevin Love, they shall desire more shooters and I’m a big fan of Duke’s own, Rodney Hood. He’s a 6-9 shooting guard who can really stroke it. Stauskas is also a possibility and given that he’s European and used to the cold, the T-Wolves may have a better chance of keeping him around for the long run. This franchise truly defines the term, DISGRACE.

14. Phoenix Suns – Nick Stauskas, SG, Michigan

At last!!! Your beloved Beddict finds Stauskas a home, and a perfect one at that. Stauskas is the perfect combo guard for Phoenix as he would fit excellently next to either Dragic or Bledsoe in the backcourt as well as providing insurance should either of them go down for any period of time. Saric would be an excellent fit as well but waiting 2 seasons for his arrival doesn’t sound ideal. Tempting tho……

That’s all I have for you this week, but fear not, for like a herpes outbreak, I shall return when you least expect it.

Contributing Writer: Tehol Beddict
@TeholBeddict47
#TheDirtyTurban