Dirty South: Man Gets Run Over By Own Truck

Here in the dirty south, trucks abound.  Over the years, one thing this single, yet glamorously beautiful southern girl has noticed: the bigger the truck, the bigger the asshole.  And now it seems that trucks agree and are making it clear that they have had enough.

The Setting:  Gainesville, Florida.  48-year-old Joseph Carl used his better judgment and decided that, after a day of heavy drinking, it would be a good idea to get behind the wheel of his truck and go for a spin.  When he arrived at a stop light, he found a less courteous driver stopped thoughtlessly at a red light, and needless to say, he rear-ended her.

Being one to want to educate fellow drivers on the error of their ways and pay it forward, Broseph got out of his vehicle and approached the woman sitting in her car.  The careless woman over-reacted to having a strange man angrily banging on her driver side window, and drove off.

This is not the end to this story, however.  When ‘ol Joe rear-ended the woman and got out of his truck, it seems that he was so eager to teach her proper driver’s etiquette that he neglected to put the truck in park.  Her car was holding his in place, and when she drove off, Joe’s truck went all Maximum Overdrive and rolled over him.

He was taken to a local hospital where he was treated for some broken bones in his hand and foot.  His efforts were unappreciated by police as he was also charged with DUI and DUI property damage.

We here in the dirty south raise a radial-flavored Mint Julep to you, Joe.  You made a sound decision to drive while hammered, rear-end a less courteous driver who thought to stop at a red light, and then ended up creamed by your own truck.  They call it road rage, we degenerates call it a Sunday drive.  Next time you are in Wilmington, meet me at the Dixie Boy Truck Stop and we can toss a few back before hitting the road again.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Gun Totin’ and Dog Bangin’. Just another Day in Sunny Florida

Well, here we are again, my sexy, yet loyal followers.  We once again get to journey into the world of firearms and fidos.  And, if we are doing them in the same article, then we must be headed back to sunny Florida.  Yes, Florida.  Where the crazy knows no limits and anything goes, apparently.

The Setting:  Tampa, Florida.  57-year-old Bernard Marsonek, a crazy-eyed Florida resident, was reportedly witnessed engaging in a little monogamous animal lovin’ with one of his pit bulls in his front yard (Because, when you are going to go full degenerate, what better place to showcase your de-evolution than your front yard, right?) when uptight neighbors requested that he stop mid-coitus. Bernie ignored their requests and continued with his carnal canine activities.  By the time police arrived, Bernie had “finished” and was back inside his home, presumably for an afterglow cigarette and a Milk Bone.

Police searched his home and found a gun and some ammo.  A huge no-no as it seems Bernie had previous felony convictions and was not supposed to be in possession of a firearm.  I know, right?  I was just as surprised as you!  Animal control officers also removed eight Pit Bulls, which were also found in the home.

He was arrested on felony charges of aggravated animal cruelty, two counts of being a felon in possession of a firearm, and a misdemeanor count of sexual activity with an animal.  He was held on $17,500 bond, but he somehow managed to post it and was released while an investigation is pending.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) I understand a degenerate’s need to showcase their depravity, but can we just, maybe once, keep it indoors?  2) Is it just me or the crazier the eyes on the individual, the more sense these stories make?  And 3) I keep picking up more sexy followers so you are all either enthralled by my reporting, or you’re just as much of a degenerate as I am.  Either way, I love you.

We here in the dirty south raise an all too familiar Beggin’ Strip flavored Mint Julep to you, unidentified pup.  You really did take one for the team on this one.  Here’s hoping you can make it out of this situation without Sarah McLachlan stepping in and writing a shitty song about your ordeal that makes me misty when I’m PMSing.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Help! I Have Crack in my Vag and It Hurts!

A vagina is a woman’s best accessory.  It’s good for carrying your small fire arms, makes for a good market basket, and is a convenient parking spot for the occasional penis, now and again. But any girl will tell you, the whisker box does not make for a good place to store your crack cocaine wrapped in foil.

The Setting:  Indian River County, Florida.  42-year-old Jennifer Crosby was pulled over on a routine traffic stop.  At one point, she exited the vehicle and appeared to be “nervous and shaking.”  When asked if she had any drugs in the vehicle, she emphatically stated “no”, but then changed her tune when the crack she was hiding up her hot pocket started to hurt.  She told the officer that she had drugs up her vagina, and the officer handed her a latex glove to remove the contraband.  Crosby began to remove it when she started to scream, “OUCH!  The foil is hurting the inside of my vagina!”

Crosby was arrested.  Allegedly, she had planned to sell the coochie crack to the driver of the car for $100.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) While the penis penitentiary may be good for carrying many items when a purse seems impractical, always use caution when you plan on cramming tin foil up your love hole; 2) If I was that cop, you could not pay me enough to have to touch the foil from her tuna taco; and 3) crack is a helluva drug.

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep and some Vagisil to you, Jenny.  Way to take what the good Lord gave ya and cram some tin foil into it.  Maybe next time you’ll just stick to firearms, crotch lobsters, and an occasional penis like the rest of us.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

(PHOTO) Aaron Hernandez Is ‘Mr. July’ In Florida Gators Calendar

Nice work, University of Florida. Who is Mr. August? OJ? Charles Manson?

*note to self: create “murderer of the month” calendar. Make $50.*

[turban tip gamedayr]

Featured Writer: The Guru
@TheGuruGS
#TheDirtyTurban

 

Dirty South: Break In, Free Willy, Fly Helicopter, Eat Salad; Just Another Night in Florida

Well, well, well, here we are again Florida.  I have tried to ignore you, but much like that stalker in the bushes outside of my apartment, here you are again.  And, much like that stalker, you never cease to amaze me with your weirdness.

The Setting:  St. Augustine, Florida.  23-yearold Jason Lee Vickery broke into a home and was about to *ahem* choke the sheriff, when a remote-controlled helicopter caught his eye.  It really must’ve been some toy to warrant his attention away from crowning the bishop because it also sent him off on a search for batteries. After locating said batteries, he proceeded to fly the helicopter around the home for a while.  At some point, he decided to eat a salad that he happened to have with him (random!!), then decided it was time to arm wrestle with his one-eyed trouser snake in the second floor bathroom.

However, he had to once again stop fondling his flagpole because he reportedly heard voices coming from outside – the POPO.

Vickery was arrested and charged with larceny and burglary.  He was also found to be carrying a bag of marijuana, other drug paraphernalia, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a towel and a wig.

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, Floridians.  You are all, by far, my favorite band of donkey punching degenerates.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

 

(Video) Dirty South: Florida Woman Has Crabs, er…Lobsters in Her Pants

A lot of weird sh*t happens in Florida as any of my sexy yet loyal followers of the Dirty South can attest.  If I am not giving you sex tips and bringing you up to speed on the latest etiquette of a threesome, I am reminding you that safe sex is the best sex unless you want your panties full of crabs…or lobsters.

The Setting: DeLand, Florida.  30-year-old Nichole Ann Reed was arrested after she attempted to shoplift seven lobster tails from a local Publix Market.  Security cameras caught her making a fish taco of another kind when she shoved the tails into her pants.

Reed was charged with petty theft and taken to the Volusia County Jail.  She was released after posting $250 bond.  The “Snatch of the Day” lobster tails were valued at $11.99 each.

Reed is no stranger to involvement with law enforcement.  She has also been arrested for disorderly conduct, domestic battery, and battery causing bodily harm.

Our classy lobster packer allegedly told police that she planned to trade the crotch lobsters with a friend for either a Chinese buffet dinner or some Dilaudud pills.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies? 1) Men claiming to have a trouser snake have nothing on a woman with a 7-lobster crotch. 2) It may be a good idea to double or even triple up on condoms if you plan on being with a woman who can and will carry seven lobsters in her  stench trench. 3) Look at this chick, would you really eat anything this woman pulls out of her pants? And 4) Is it just me or do the choices of chicken lo mein or Dilaudid seem like opposite ends of the food pyramid?

We here in the dirty south raise some melted butter and a Dilauded flavored Mint Julep to you, Ms. Crustacean Crotch.  You’ve raised the bar for snatch smugglers everywhere, but next time, remember that your honey pot, though a handy gun holster, does not make for a good market basket.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

 

Dirty South: Edward Cocaine Busted For Drug Possession…Naturally

Our previous journeys into the dirty south have taught us that some criminals have very unfortunate last names.  Remember Mr. Smallwood, the Waffle House Wong Wiggler?  Thankfully, Fate has tossed this single, yet glamorously beautiful southern gal a bone, so to speak, and I give you the Dirty South Guide to Unfortunately Named Criminals.

The Setting:  Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  34-year-old Edward Cocaine was arrested for….wait for it…drug possession.  Sorry, thanks for playing.  When he appeared before County Judge John Hurley, and his name was read on the docket, the Judge responded with a laugh and a “what?”

Cocaine, who proudly stated that his name was legal and that his grandparents came over from Greece and changed it, was released on his own recognizance.

Judge Hurley commented, “I’d thought I’d seen it all.  I’m still trying to absorb this.”

Along with the previously mentioned Mr. Smallwood, Mr. Cocaine is not alone in his possession of an unfortunate name.  Check out the list below in our criminal name hall of shame:

Mister Love – Accused of unlawful sexual contact with a minor.

Joseph Moron (Colorado) – Accused of stalking, kidnapping, assault, and burglary.

Conor P. Fudge (Iowa City, Iowa) – Accused of ice cream store theft – stole $501 worth of ice cream cakes from a Cold Stone Creamery.

Patrick Molesti (Georgia) – Accused of trying to buy a child online.

Draco Slaughter – Accused of making a bomb threat on an airplane.

Leonard Dickman (Ohio) – Public indecency; exposed his “dickman” out of the leg of his shorts.

Daniel Noody (New York) – Accused of public lewdness and endangering the welfare of a child; exposed himself in an elementary school parking lot.

Jackmeoff Mudd (Florida) – Accused of Assault, disorderly conduct, resisting an officer, possession of alcohol on the beach, and carrying an open beverage in public.

Beezow Doo-Doo Zoopittybop-Bop-Bop – Accused of carrying a concealed weapon, possession of drug paraphernalia, and possession of marijuana.

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, bearers of unfortunate names.  Thank you for making the rest of us feel like our stupid names should be etched in a golden book somewhere.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Stalker Asks Probation Officer To ‘Hook Him Up’

It’s a tale as old as time.  Boy meets girl; girl has no interest; boy ends up arrested for stalking.  Ok, well, maybe not a tale as old as time, but a tale that this single, yet glamorously beautiful Southern gal is all too familiar with.  If Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that stalkers in real life look and act nothing like John Cusack-esque boombox hoisters.

The Setting:  Seminole County, Florida.  42-year-old Carmine Michael Bravo went romance crazy for a special gal he met while they were in the Seminole County Jail together.  Authorities state that ol’ Johnny Bravo allegedly sent the object of his obsession 500 text messages, 1000 emails, flowers, and romantic “gifts.”  He reportedly also framed the woman’s mug shots, showed up at her court hearings, drug rehabilitation meetings, and even attempted to help her out in court by speaking to her public defender and the judge’s assistant.

When all of this failed to woo the special lady, Bravo had to seek out more direct measures, and allegedly asked the woman’s probation officer to fix him up with her.  Bravo was arrested for stalking, which he denied.

Bravo has been arrested several times in the past.  Most recently, he was arrested for stealing some markers and women’s clothing from an Orlando Walmart. Were those the romantic gifts?

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  (1) If you are single, jail and rehab may not be the best places to meet people.  Just dish out the cash for a Match.com membership and get five dates in before you realize you are seeing a psycho like the rest of us.  (2) Flowers and romantic gifts do not work on jail chicks and (3) stalkers, although creepy, are the best self-esteem boosters on the planet, ladies.

We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep to you, Mr. Bravo.  Way to show men everywhere that some women just don’t appreciate a good ol’ American stalker.  And thank you for showing me that my current creepers need to step up their game.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Three-Way Romp Ends With A Bang

Here we are again, kiddies.  We once again find ourselves in the world of three-ways gone wrong.  What I have already discussed with you, my sexy yet loyal followers, is that yours truly is not against the three-way.  I just want you to all be informed of the perils which may arise before you get your freak on, as well as educate you on proper three-way etiquette.

The Setting:  Zephyrhills, Florida.  Married couple Mindi and David Rice invited an unnamed 24-year-old female “friend” to their home for a good ol’ southern threesome.  The Rices injected themselves with prescription drugs, engaged in their trailer park ménage à trois then fell asleep.  Harmless enough, right?

According to the police report, Mindi woke up early the next morning only to discover her Prince Charming was attempting to have sex with the other woman without her.  Mindi, obviously being someone who makes good choices, reached for a nearby gun, threatened to shoot the other woman, and then fired the gun into the ceiling.  David, being every woman’s dream guy, was able to wrangle the gun away from Mindi, then held it up to her face and screamed, “Bitch, I’ll f***ing kill you!” This has all the makings to a sequel to The Notebook!  He then (allegedly) fired the gun once into the wall.

Meanwhile, the other woman, clearly having witnessed enough bat shit crazy, fled the home and called police. When the Popo  arrived, the Rices refused to come out of the home, so the SWAT team was called in.  They emerged a few hours later and David, you know, good old Prince Charming, ended up being tased after he attempted to fight with police.  He was charged with obstructing officers and he and his wifey were both charged with aggravated assault.  David also has another case pending on unrelated charges of grand theft, burglary, and possession of Oxycodone.  Mindi, not being one to let her man take all the fame, is also serving two-years of felony probation for credit card fraud.  Apparently, she stole someone’s credit card and used it to bail her prince out of jail one time.  Both parties remain in the custody of the fine people at the Pasco County Jail.

Threesomes…sometimes they work out and you have a helluva story to tell.  Sometimes they end with gun or knife wielding, SWAT teams, and tasers.  Either way, someone wins.  We here in the Dirty South raise an Oxycodone-flavored Mint Julep to you, degenerates of America.  You have forever gained a fan with this gal.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

 

Dirty South: Refuse My Threesome Invite and I’ll Stab You in the Eye

This single, yet glamorously beautiful Southern gal is no stranger to a threesome invite. Who wouldn’t want two other people paying attention to your every need?  Unfortunately, this is not how they tend to do down. Well, someone goes down, but eventually someone’s also left feeling ignored.  But, for some, turning down their invite to a threesome can have painful consequences.

The Setting: Vero Beach, Florida.  28-year-old Crystal King-Woolfork was out, shaking her plus-sized money maker at a local club with her boyfriend, before returning home at 4am with a female companion they met at the club.  She and the woman reportedly began to engage in oral sex, but the party soon took a muff nosedive when King-Woolfork asked her man to participate with them and he refused.  The female companion quickly made her exit, and that’s when the knife-fighting fun began.

According to police reports, “she picked up a knife off the dresser because she knew he was going to get mad” and stabbed him in the eye. The boyfriend attempted to disarm the Glenn Close wannabe, but this did not stop her.  She then grabbed her cellphone and a metal candlestick and proceeded to use that to beat him senseless about the head and face.  He did manage to escape and called a friend for a ride to the hospital.  King-Woolfork is now facing attempted murder charges, though she admits to only swinging the candlestick, Colonel Mustard-style.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  (1)  This has to be the first man on the face of this Earth who has EVER turned down a threesome opportunity (2) It’s hard enough in a threesome to determine where to put your elbows, let alone your butcher knife, so the dresser works best and (3) At least these two didn’t have to worry about avoiding two wet spots in bed that night.

We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep and an eye patch to you, unnamed boyfriend who refused a threesome and paid the price.  Your pride, gentlemanly nature, and respect for yourself may have cost you an eye, but you have just won the hearts of my female readers everywhere.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban