Dirty South: Man Gets Run Over By Own Truck

Here in the dirty south, trucks abound.  Over the years, one thing this single, yet glamorously beautiful southern girl has noticed: the bigger the truck, the bigger the asshole.  And now it seems that trucks agree and are making it clear that they have had enough.

The Setting:  Gainesville, Florida.  48-year-old Joseph Carl used his better judgment and decided that, after a day of heavy drinking, it would be a good idea to get behind the wheel of his truck and go for a spin.  When he arrived at a stop light, he found a less courteous driver stopped thoughtlessly at a red light, and needless to say, he rear-ended her.

Being one to want to educate fellow drivers on the error of their ways and pay it forward, Broseph got out of his vehicle and approached the woman sitting in her car.  The careless woman over-reacted to having a strange man angrily banging on her driver side window, and drove off.

This is not the end to this story, however.  When ‘ol Joe rear-ended the woman and got out of his truck, it seems that he was so eager to teach her proper driver’s etiquette that he neglected to put the truck in park.  Her car was holding his in place, and when she drove off, Joe’s truck went all Maximum Overdrive and rolled over him.

He was taken to a local hospital where he was treated for some broken bones in his hand and foot.  His efforts were unappreciated by police as he was also charged with DUI and DUI property damage.

We here in the dirty south raise a radial-flavored Mint Julep to you, Joe.  You made a sound decision to drive while hammered, rear-end a less courteous driver who thought to stop at a red light, and then ended up creamed by your own truck.  They call it road rage, we degenerates call it a Sunday drive.  Next time you are in Wilmington, meet me at the Dixie Boy Truck Stop and we can toss a few back before hitting the road again.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: What Do You Mean Hookers Aren’t a Business Expense?

As a savvy business woman, this single, yet glamorously beautiful southern gal has had to fill out her fair share of expense reports.  Some places are pretty open with what they allow you to claim, while others are just downright stingy.  One thing that is universally frowned upon is attempting to use company checks to “rent” a lady for a little boot knockin’, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.

The Setting:  Slidell, Louisiana.  24-year-old Charles West, an employee at a local suburban health food store, showed some exceptional judgment and business sense when he used a $200 company check to pay for a hooker he set up a “business” meeting with in the back room of the store.

What Chuckie neglected to pay attention to was the surveillance cameras throughout the store.  Yep, you guessed it…busted.  The store’s manager discovered that the check was missing and then saw the debauchery in its entirety when the video footage was reviewed.

West was arrested on charges of theft, forgery, and soliciting a prostitute as it seems he had the common sense to at least forge the manager’s name on the check.  He remains in the custody of the good people of the New Orleans Jail.

The self-employed business woman who’s services West commissioned has not been arrested, but police plan to, once she is identified.

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, Charles.  Once you are a free man you can always look forward to using your unemployment checks to pay for your dirty, dirty sexy time.  I am pretty sure THAT is legal…well, maybe not in Alabama.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Man Uses 911 Service as Emergency Phone Sex Line

If Chuck D and Flava Flav of Public Enemy taught us anything in the ‘90’s, it’s that 911 is a joke in some parts of these United States.  Regardless of how you feel about it personally, when you need assistance it is the number to call…just not when the assistance you need is with Mr. Happy Sexy Time.

The Setting:  Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.  72-year-old Clyde Hobbs was in the mood for some sexy lovin’ time that his wife apparently wanted no parts of.  So, he did what any horned up, old geezer would do…he called 911.

Hobbs allegedly called his area 911 service and made “sexually oriented comments” to the operators.  Harmless, right?  Well, this was not a one-time deal.  Hobbs apparently called 911 17 times that day.  Eventually, police were called and when they arrived at his home Hobbs stated, “Are you here to arrest me again?”

It seems ol’ Hobbsie had been arrested for the same dial a sex stunt before – three times before.  He was reportedly belligerent on his way to jail, probably from the massive blue balls. He was booked on charges of making false reports and bail was set at $34,000.

So, what have we learned here today kiddies?  1) A horny old man will do just about anything to get a little rub and tug; 2) My stalker only calls me 10 times a day with his sexy talk and he is half this geezer’s age.  What’s up with that? And 3) 911 may be a joke in Compton, but in Oklahoma they have no sense of humor when it comes to old man wieners.

We here in the dirty south raise a Ensure and Viagra infused flavored Mint Julep to you, Mr. Hobbs. It’s good to see that your old man libido has stood the test of time while your judgment did not. Next time, if even your own wife wants nothing to do with your old, wrinkly dinglehopper, chances are, no one else wants anything to do with it either. Just pay for a cheap hooker like any other self-respecting old fart.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Note to Self: Shooting Imaginary Gorillas in My Living Room Won’t End Well

As previously established here in the dirty south, we love ourselves some guns.  Big guns, guns small enough to fit conveniently in your vag (aka Hoo-ha Holster), semi-automatics, yes, we love our guns.  They come in so handy for taking care of the errant home invader.  Even if that home invader is an imaginary gorilla.

The Setting:  Decatur, Tennessee.  An unidentified man called Decatur police to report “giant apes” were “gallivanting in” his home after he planted himself in his recliner and took aim at them with his shotgun.  As you probably guessed, the apes weren’t real, but dag-gummit, he thought they were.

At some point the apes**t must’ve hit the fan, because the man stopped speaking with dispatchers on the phone and left phone off the hook.  When officers arrived, they found him in his recliner holding a shotgun.  He had allegedly fired shots into the wall.

He was taken to a nearby mental hospital for evaluation.  No charges were filed.  The imaginary gorillas had apparently finished their “gallivanting” before police arrived and fled the scene.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) Gallivanting apes will NOT be tolerated in some homes in Decatur, Tennessee; 2) ANYONE can get a firearm in this country; and 3) Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape..

We here in the dirty south raise a gunpowder and antipsychotic flavored Mint Julep to you, unidentified man.  Having to deal with unruly, imaginary apes in your home is quite the inconvenience.  Next time, maybe you should just treat them to a slideshow of last year’s vacation to Pigeon Forge.  Nothing clears a room faster than a barrage of pics from Dollywood.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: The Curious Case of the Kentucky Carpet Muncher

Why and how I have managed to ignore Kentucky as a focus of our journeys into the dirty south is beyond me.  Apparently, they have some of the most delicious carpets in the world.  Especially when you are jacked up on meth.  Carpets as in Stainmaster.  What?  You were expecting a different kind of carpet munching?  I love you for your gutter minds.

The Setting:  Louisville, Kentucky.  50-year-old Jeffrey Wagner woke up and went about his normal day.  What you are unaware of, my sexy yet loyal followers, is that a “normal” day for ol’ Jeffrey entails getting wacked out of his mind on crystal meth.  Jeffrey got himself into some of ol’ Heisenberg’s blue and decided that a journey to a local Burlington Coat Factory was in order.  Once there, he helped himself to a veritable feast of carpet lint in the shoe department.  Employees happened upon his meth-fueled carpet picnic and called police.

When police arrived on the scene, Jeffrey reportedly stated that he was “eating sprinkles.”  He was searched and found to also be carrying Lortabs, a bag of crystal meth, a bag of “mysterious white powder,” and a bag of unidentified pills.  He was charged with possession and public intoxication and carted off on his methanfelony.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) You all have degenerately dirty minds, and I love you for them;  2) If you are going to tweak out on the crystal and help yourself to a carpet buffet it is probably best to not be a walking pharmacy; and 3) I’ve been told my carpet tastes like rainbow sprinkles too.

We here in the dirty south raise a Berber-flavored Mint Julep to you, Mr. Lint Licker.  Thank you for reminding us how filthy our minds really are, and that meth is starting to replace crack as a helluvah drug.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Woman Has Sex With Cat, Threatens To Kill Neighbor

“Oooooklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain…”  Yes, if Rogers and Hammerstein have taught us anything, it’s that Oklahoma is a place where the waving wheat can sure smell sweet.  But, much to my disappointment, they did neglect to mention all the cat sex and death threats.  Now that’s a musical I could watch!

The Setting:  Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.  23-year-old Kristina Michelle Brown allegedly pulled out a pocket knife one sunny, Oklahoma day, and threatened her neighbor, 72-year-old Elmer Morrison, asking him if he wanted to die.  Morrison called police and when Brown was asked why she threatened ol’ Elmer, she responded, “because of what he did to me…I had sex with my cat and everyone knows.”  After further questioning, Brown allegedly added that Morrison didn’t know that she had sex with her cat and she was just “mad at him and wants him to die.”

Brown was arrested and charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon.  The cat refused comment and didn’t want to press charges.

We here in the dirty south raise a catnip-flavored Mint Julep to you, unidentified kitty.  Having to endure the level of batshit crazy that you have, it is no wonder your catnip addiction has reached skid row proportions.  Welcome to the Degenerate’s Club.  Just remember, whatever you do, turning to a life of sex working to support your habit and “kill the pain” is no way to live.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Homosexual Demon Helps Remodel Man’s Apartment

When it comes to decorating, no one knows more about what “goes” than the gays.  My token gay friend, Andrew, has helped me re-do my apartment more than once.  But even Andrew’s sensibilities pale in comparison to the “vision” one homosexual demon had for a man’s apartment.

The Setting:  Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.  22-year-old Jeremy Jarnell Anderson, who also happens to be a Satanist, was arrested after “going ballistic” in his apartment.  With the help of a homosexual demon, Anderson reportedly kicked a heavy apartment door off its hinges, threw furniture through his apartment door, broke windows, and ultimately started a fire in his apartment when he cooked a Bible.  All this after he poured soap and salt over himself while breaking glass and other objects.

Officers attempted to taze Anderson, but he pulled the barbs out without them having any effect, and then demanded that officers put down their weapons and “fist fight” him.  When officers were finally able to subdue Anderson, he was taken to a local hospital. 

While at the hospital, Anderson reported that he met a “possessed homosexual demon” who wanted drugs from him and performed sexual acts on him.  He insisted he (Anderson) “wasn’t gay, just high” and that when he sobered up, he couldn’t believe that he let a male demon touch him.  He also insisted that he had done nothing wrong, and that the two were just “remodeling” his home. 

He was later arrested and charged with first-degree arson.  The homosexual demon was not charged, and it is reported that he has a deal in the works with HGTV for an upcoming reality show which will showcase his redecorator skills.

We here in the dirty south raise a Pomegranate Martini and a Mint Julep to you, Mr. Anderson.  When you mess with the Black Book, bad things are bound to happen.  But hey, at least you got a fabulous newly redecorated home out of it and a little nookie on the side. 

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban