Dirty South: Man Wakes Up From Surgery, Discovers He’s D**kless

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It has been noted in many a Dirty South article before that Alabammy is less than open-minded when it comes to anything “south of the border.”  However, it seems that passing laws to make sex toys and lady parts illegal wasn’t enough for their fragile, Puritanical sensibilities.  Gentlemen, Alabammy just stepped up their game in the “we won’t tolerate private parts ‘round here” arena, and you aren’t going to like what you hear.

images (2)The Setting:  Birmingham, Alabama.  56-year-old Johnny Lee Banks, Jr., checked into a local hospital for a routine circumcision, and awoke to find his wink-a-doodle had been completely amputated during the surgery.  Banks is now suing Simon-Williamson Clinic and the Urology Centers of Alabama and as he stated that he was not provided a reason by any medical staff as to why his love muscle had been removed.

6a00e54f9153e088330133f453ea13970b-600wiBanks, who is married but presently unemployed due to an undisclosed disability “is devastated,” according to his attorney, John Graves.  A hospital spokeswoman, Kate DeWitt Darden, dropped her two cents in to the ring by making one of the stupidest comments of the year: “His allegations are without merit.  We intend to defend all counts aggressively.”

Without merit!?  They guy is missing his dong, lady!  Wow, those Alabamians REALLY don’t want to believe that sexy parts exist!

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, Mr. Banks.  While the women of Dirty South Nation applaud you for finally wanting to get rid of that anteater at 56, we also believe that a penis is a terrible thing to waste.

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Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Meth Head Calls Cops on Self – ‘My Meth is Laced’

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Nothing is as good these days as it was when we were younger.  Heck, even a “value” meal at McDonald’s these days will run you over an eight-spot.  While prices continue to be on the rise, it seems that quality has decreased.  And no one has been hit harder with this than meth heads.

g000258000000000000c13f307163847f26f13677b03fdff7d2f85abd5fThe Setting: Garfield County, Oklahoma.  54-year-old Meth head, Lynette Rae Sampson, felt that she didn’t receive a nice batch of the Heisenberg Blue that she had “ordered” from her dealer, and decided to do something about it.  That something just happened to be calling the police to claim “my ice was laced with something.”  When an officer arrived to “investigate” Sampson told him, “I am glad you came.”

Being ever so eager to get to the bottom of this travesty of justice and procure the quality meth she had ordered, she allegedly showed the officer all of her stash places around her home.  She also told the officer that she was “hearing things” and “sweating profusely.” Lynette, sweetie, we Belles of the south don’t sweat, we glisten…much like your ice.

il_340x270.553914598_pts0Needless to say Lynette didn’t get her Walter White quality junk and was carted off to jail on a methanfelony count of possession. She is looking at up to 10 years if convicted. but is reportedly going to be featured on Season 3 of Orange is the New Black.

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep over ice to you, Lynette.  We, more than anyone, know the frustrations of not getting what you paid for and a drop in a quality product.  We also salute your expectation of pure, American made, illegal drugs to f**k yourself up with.  Next time though, you may not want to be so high and mighty when it comes to your meth and remember times are tough all over.

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Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

 

Dirty South: Tennessee Man Busted Having Sex with ATM and Picnic Table

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The Setting:  Murfreesboro, Tennessee.  49-year-old Lonnie Hutton walked into the Boro Bar and Grill, depantsed, then began having steamy, hot man-machine love with their in-house ATM.  And no, “ATM” in this case does not mean what my sexually explorative, followers think it means.  In this case, it was an actual ATM machine.

aatmWhen officers arrived, they saw Hutton walking around the bar naked, thrusting his hips in the air, and shakin’ it like he just don’t care.  He was asked to redress, then was taken outside and ordered to sit at a wooden picnic table.  Something about the wood rekindled his amorous tendencies and he again “exposed himself and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table.”

As if you haven’t guessed by now, the police report stated that Hutton “smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech, bloodshot eyes, and was unsteady on his feet.”  He was charged with public intoxication and escorted to Rutherford County Jail.  Bond was set at $250 and he is due in court on July 1.

So, what have we learned today, kiddies?  (1) This guy has beer goggles that put all of the rest of ours to shame.  (2) I don’t envy him having to pick out all of the splinters on Mr. Happy that he caught from that picnic table (we all know how slutty those wooden picnic tables can be).  (3) Reminder to self to NOT use the ATM in the Boro Bar and Grill the next time I happen to be in Murfreesboro.  (4) Some guys will try to stick their d*** in anything.

We here in the Dirty South raise a Mint Julep in your honor, Mr. Hutton. This single, yet glamorously beautiful Southern gal has had her share of suitors and gentleman callers in her life, but currently, the dry spell that she is going through has her rethinking her priorities.  I do promise you, my sexy and loyal followers, that I will NOT need to resort to getting busy with the ATM…I hope.

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Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban