Red Sox Trade Jon Lester to Oakland For Yoenis Cespedes and Jonah Hill

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You have to hand it to Billy Brad Pitt Beane, he’s got some some big money balls. Thursday morning, the Boston Red Sox shipped ace left-hander and two-time World Series champion Jon Lester (along with American hero Jonny Gomes) to Beane’s Oakland A’s for slugger Yoenis Cespedes and Academy Award nominated actor Jonah Hill.

When asked to comment, Billy Pitt said, “I know Jonah got a couple Oscar nominations, but this money ball stuff is getting kinda old. We’d like to win a playoff game. Besides, Angelina and I have 42 kids to feed.”

Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington said, “Cespedes gives us a big righty bat at Fenway and we sure hope we get the fat Jonah Hill because the skinny one isn’t as funny and just looks weird.”

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Featured Writer: The Guru

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(VIDEO) Jack White Throws Out First Pitch…To Santa

Who knew that former White Striper, rockin’ Raconteur and plank spanker Jack White was such a huge baseball fan. First he was spotted really enjoying a Cubs game and Tuesday night he threw out the first pitch at Comerica Park in his hometown of Detroit.

Not sure why Santa Claus was there, but maybe this is the year he delivers a World Series to the Motor City.

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(VIDEO) Bartolo Colon is a Professional Athlete

420-pound, 41-year-old New York Mets starting pitcher Bartolo Colon has a secret to his success: His pregame stretching regiment.

Seems to be working. Fartolo threw 7 1/3 innings of one-run ball Monday night as the Mets beat the Phils 7-1.

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(PHOTO) Rockies Give Away 15k ‘Tulowizki’ Jerseys #Fail

The Colorado Rockies gave away 15,000 Troy Tulowitzki jerseys to their loyal fans over the weekend. The only problem is they misspelled their star shortstops name.

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Nice work, Rockies. Spelling is hard. Now may be the time to lay off that Rocky Mountain green bud.

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(PHOTO) WTF File: Just Two Bros Grilling in McCovey Bay…In Horse Masks

During Saturday’s Giants-Dodgers game in San Fran a couple bros took to McCovey Cove to grill up some brats, down a few brews and they were wearing horse masks.

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You stay weird, San Francisco.

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Jose Canseco Attempts Bromancey Make-up with Mark McGwire and Just Ends up Showcasing More of his Crazy

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The ’89 Oakland Athletics held a “reunion” of sorts earlier this week to celebrate the 25th anniversary of their World Series win, and, being someone who is stuck in a perpetual loop of his glory days, ol’ Parkway Jose took to Twitter to document the minutiae of his goings on, and spew a lovefest fountain for his former team and teammates.

It seems, however, that one former teammate is still kind of salty over Canseco’s ‘roid use tell-all book, Juiced, and Canseco, needing the limelight of Twitter to function (much like Superman needs Earth’s yellow sun for his strength) chose to broadcast his crazy to former teammate, Mark McGwire, in an attempt to get McGwire to talk to him again:

Of course all of this “please forgive me” pandering falls a little flat when you spell McGwire’s name wrong in your tweets. Big Mac has not spoken to Canseco since this book was released. And who can blame him?  The “book” outed many MLB players for their alleged steroid use in the late 80’s and early 90’s, and this caused a huge s**tstorm for McGwire, who had to endure MLB’s version of the Spanish Inquisition.

McGwire was absent for the anniversary celebration but did videotape a thank you to the Athletics organization and the fans.  He has also made it abundantly clear that he has nothing to say” to Canseco and “won’t ever speak to him again.”

As an Italian woman, I can totally respect McGwire’s dedication and commitment to holding his grudge.  But hey, the last time someone ruined my reputation and thrust me into a sh**storm because they sung like a canary just to make a buck, a home run derby was just the thing we needed to mend fences – like me taking some Louisville-sized swings at her head!

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Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
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Throwback Thursday: The Curious Case of Dock Ellis

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Does LSD and the use of amphetamines excite you? Do you like baseball and colorful characters? If you answered yes to any of those questions then today’s Throwback Thursday subject Dock Ellis is the man for you.

Dock-Ellis561Ellis is best known for being the guy who threw a no-hitter under the influence of LSD (allegedly), but his list of accomplishments doesn’t end there. He was also one of the first players to chase a heckling fan at a minor league game with a bat and one of the first players to admit he was high every game he ever pitched. Dock once claimed that he took 6-12 amphetamines before each start. The number of pills consumed according to Ellis depended on the strength – whether Dock was talking about the pills or the opposing lineup I’m not sure. Ever the trend setter he begin using cocaine in the late 60’s nearly 10 years before the general public found it at discos or on the Mets team plane. Last but not least he’s also the first person to screw up the nickname Doc by spelling it with a K!

tripsburgEllis made the All-Star team in 1971, made two trips to the World Series, winning one with the Pirates, and won AL Comeback player of the year in 1976 while with the New York Yankees. All of these feats pale in comparison to his 1970 no-hitter against the San Diego Padres. The story goes that Ellis went to visit his friend in LA on Thursday and spent the next day dropping tabs and tripping balls. He dropped another tab(s) on Friday afternoon thinking it was still Thursday. He was then reminded by his friend’s girlfriend that it was indeed Friday and that he was scheduled to pitch in a few hours. In what I’m sure was a drug induced state of panic Ellis somehow got to the park an hour and a half before he was scheduled to pitch. The results speak for themselves as he was incredibly wild walking seven batters and hitting one, but also throwing the first drug aided No-No. A feat only matched since by Tim Lincecum…we think. How else could Big Time Timmy Jim have done it?!

8c30e8ca2bb625074bce7634cc177b7cAccording to Ellis’ own account, at times he couldn’t see the plate, catcher, or the batter. He was only able to see the signs thrown by catcher Jerry May due to the reflective tape he wore on his fingers. In addition to his lack of vision due to a head full of acid, Ellis also claims that at times he couldn’t feel the ball, the ball got smaller and larger, that he pitched to Jimi Hendrix (who was taking swings with a guitar, of course!), and the coup de grace, Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire. I’m sure this could explain the high number of walks, Dick Nixon seems like he’d be the type to squeeze the strike zone. No word on whether or not Jimi played the Star Spangled Banner.

Ellis was known as a bit of a story teller and most of the beat writers that covered the game think it’s simply a myth perpetuated by Ellis himself. Either way it’s a great story.

We here at the Dirty Turban raise an eye dropper of the brown stuff to you Dock Ellis. May your use of hallucinogenics, unprofessionalism, and devil may care attitude inspire generations to come!

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Contributing Writer: Ralph Lifshitz

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