Dirty South: Man Wakes Up From Surgery, Discovers He’s D**kless

It has been noted in many a Dirty South article before that Alabammy is less than open-minded when it comes to anything “south of the border.”  However, it seems that passing laws to make sex toys and lady parts illegal wasn’t enough for their fragile, Puritanical sensibilities.  Gentlemen, Alabammy just stepped up their game in the “we won’t tolerate private parts ‘round here” arena, and you aren’t going to like what you hear.

The Setting:  Birmingham, Alabama.  56-year-old Johnny Lee Banks, Jr., checked into a local hospital for a routine circumcision, and awoke to find his wink-a-doodle had been completely amputated during the surgery.  Banks is now suing Simon-Williamson Clinic and the Urology Centers of Alabama and as he stated that he was not provided a reason by any medical staff as to why his love muscle had been removed.

Banks, who is married but presently unemployed due to an undisclosed disability “is devastated,” according to his attorney, John Graves.  A hospital spokeswoman, Kate DeWitt Darden, dropped her two cents in to the ring by making one of the stupidest comments of the year: “His allegations are without merit.  We intend to defend all counts aggressively.”

Without merit!?  They guy is missing his dong, lady!  Wow, those Alabamians REALLY don’t want to believe that sexy parts exist!

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, Mr. Banks.  While the women of Dirty South Nation applaud you for finally wanting to get rid of that anteater at 56, we also believe that a penis is a terrible thing to waste.

 

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Man Gets Run Over By Own Truck

Here in the dirty south, trucks abound.  Over the years, one thing this single, yet glamorously beautiful southern girl has noticed: the bigger the truck, the bigger the asshole.  And now it seems that trucks agree and are making it clear that they have had enough.

The Setting:  Gainesville, Florida.  48-year-old Joseph Carl used his better judgment and decided that, after a day of heavy drinking, it would be a good idea to get behind the wheel of his truck and go for a spin.  When he arrived at a stop light, he found a less courteous driver stopped thoughtlessly at a red light, and needless to say, he rear-ended her.

Being one to want to educate fellow drivers on the error of their ways and pay it forward, Broseph got out of his vehicle and approached the woman sitting in her car.  The careless woman over-reacted to having a strange man angrily banging on her driver side window, and drove off.

This is not the end to this story, however.  When ‘ol Joe rear-ended the woman and got out of his truck, it seems that he was so eager to teach her proper driver’s etiquette that he neglected to put the truck in park.  Her car was holding his in place, and when she drove off, Joe’s truck went all Maximum Overdrive and rolled over him.

He was taken to a local hospital where he was treated for some broken bones in his hand and foot.  His efforts were unappreciated by police as he was also charged with DUI and DUI property damage.

We here in the dirty south raise a radial-flavored Mint Julep to you, Joe.  You made a sound decision to drive while hammered, rear-end a less courteous driver who thought to stop at a red light, and then ended up creamed by your own truck.  They call it road rage, we degenerates call it a Sunday drive.  Next time you are in Wilmington, meet me at the Dixie Boy Truck Stop and we can toss a few back before hitting the road again.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: What Do You Mean Hookers Aren’t a Business Expense?

As a savvy business woman, this single, yet glamorously beautiful southern gal has had to fill out her fair share of expense reports.  Some places are pretty open with what they allow you to claim, while others are just downright stingy.  One thing that is universally frowned upon is attempting to use company checks to “rent” a lady for a little boot knockin’, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.

The Setting:  Slidell, Louisiana.  24-year-old Charles West, an employee at a local suburban health food store, showed some exceptional judgment and business sense when he used a $200 company check to pay for a hooker he set up a “business” meeting with in the back room of the store.

What Chuckie neglected to pay attention to was the surveillance cameras throughout the store.  Yep, you guessed it…busted.  The store’s manager discovered that the check was missing and then saw the debauchery in its entirety when the video footage was reviewed.

West was arrested on charges of theft, forgery, and soliciting a prostitute as it seems he had the common sense to at least forge the manager’s name on the check.  He remains in the custody of the good people of the New Orleans Jail.

The self-employed business woman who’s services West commissioned has not been arrested, but police plan to, once she is identified.

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, Charles.  Once you are a free man you can always look forward to using your unemployment checks to pay for your dirty, dirty sexy time.  I am pretty sure THAT is legal…well, maybe not in Alabama.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Crazy Cat Lady Art Turns Serial Killers Into Cute Kittens

How many of you guys out there have met a girl and thought, “Hmm, I think she could be the one,” only to find out she’s wacked out of her mind shortly thereafter?  If you are any of my sexy, yet loyal followers, I am going to assume that this has happened to you more than once.  Well my lovelies have no fear!  Dixie is here to warn you of one woman you may want to avoid, should you be in the market for some new poon.

The Setting: Beaumont, Texas.  Like all hopelessly lost hipster 30-somethings, 33-year-old Sarah Hamilton considers herself an artist.  She is also fascinated with cats and serial killers.  Yeah, I know, right?  She sounds like quite the catch!  Well, it seems that Sarah has taken her obsessions with those two things and combined them into one killer pussy art display she calls, “Serial Catter.”

Hamilton’s (ahem) art work depict cats alongside the likenesses of noted serial killers such as John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, and Jeffrey Dahmer.  Her paintings were recently on display at a fair in Beaumont where (reportedly) all but four sold, proving once and for all that Texans will buy any piece of crap you put in front of them.

Hamilton solidified her life as a single woman by commenting, “I’m not trying to glorify the killers, I just love cats and am interested in darker subject matter.  People that don’t like cats don’t get it anyway.”  Ok, crazy cat lady, whatever you say.

In case there was any shenanigans called on Hamilton’s place in the “crazy cat lady” arena, she made it known that she is the proud owner of seven cats and one dog.  She also plans to continue to make more serial killing cat art and stated, “This is sort of the tip of the iceberg.  I don’t want to just paint cats.  There’s got to be something deeper beneath the surface—something more psychological or interesting than just painting cats.”

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to all the single guys out there who know all too well what it’s like to date crazy.  I love you all, and you are welcome for the heads up on this one.  Just remember, 1) if a girl calls herself an artist, it means she’s unemployed; 2) More than three cats is cause for concern; and 3) An obsession with serial killers AND cats?  Run!

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Meth Head Calls Cops on Self – ‘My Meth is Laced’

Nothing is as good these days as it was when we were younger.  Heck, even a “value” meal at McDonald’s these days will run you over an eight-spot.  While prices continue to be on the rise, it seems that quality has decreased.  And no one has been hit harder with this than meth heads.

The Setting: Garfield County, Oklahoma.  54-year-old Meth head, Lynette Rae Sampson, felt that she didn’t receive a nice batch of the Heisenberg Blue that she had “ordered” from her dealer, and decided to do something about it.  That something just happened to be calling the police to claim “my ice was laced with something.”  When an officer arrived to “investigate” Sampson told him, “I am glad you came.”

Being ever so eager to get to the bottom of this travesty of justice and procure the quality meth she had ordered, she allegedly showed the officer all of her stash places around her home.  She also told the officer that she was “hearing things” and “sweating profusely.” Lynette, sweetie, we Belles of the south don’t sweat, we glisten…much like your ice.

Needless to say Lynette didn’t get her Walter White quality junk and was carted off to jail on a methanfelony count of possession. She is looking at up to 10 years if convicted. but is reportedly going to be featured on Season 3 of Orange is the New Black.

We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep over ice to you, Lynette.  We, more than anyone, know the frustrations of not getting what you paid for and a drop in a quality product.  We also salute your expectation of pure, American made, illegal drugs to f**k yourself up with.  Next time though, you may not want to be so high and mighty when it comes to your meth and remember times are tough all over.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

 

Dirty South: Man Uses 911 Service as Emergency Phone Sex Line

If Chuck D and Flava Flav of Public Enemy taught us anything in the ‘90’s, it’s that 911 is a joke in some parts of these United States.  Regardless of how you feel about it personally, when you need assistance it is the number to call…just not when the assistance you need is with Mr. Happy Sexy Time.

The Setting:  Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.  72-year-old Clyde Hobbs was in the mood for some sexy lovin’ time that his wife apparently wanted no parts of.  So, he did what any horned up, old geezer would do…he called 911.

Hobbs allegedly called his area 911 service and made “sexually oriented comments” to the operators.  Harmless, right?  Well, this was not a one-time deal.  Hobbs apparently called 911 17 times that day.  Eventually, police were called and when they arrived at his home Hobbs stated, “Are you here to arrest me again?”

It seems ol’ Hobbsie had been arrested for the same dial a sex stunt before – three times before.  He was reportedly belligerent on his way to jail, probably from the massive blue balls. He was booked on charges of making false reports and bail was set at $34,000.

So, what have we learned here today kiddies?  1) A horny old man will do just about anything to get a little rub and tug; 2) My stalker only calls me 10 times a day with his sexy talk and he is half this geezer’s age.  What’s up with that? And 3) 911 may be a joke in Compton, but in Oklahoma they have no sense of humor when it comes to old man wieners.

We here in the dirty south raise a Ensure and Viagra infused flavored Mint Julep to you, Mr. Hobbs. It’s good to see that your old man libido has stood the test of time while your judgment did not. Next time, if even your own wife wants nothing to do with your old, wrinkly dinglehopper, chances are, no one else wants anything to do with it either. Just pay for a cheap hooker like any other self-respecting old fart.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Note to Self: Shooting Imaginary Gorillas in My Living Room Won’t End Well

As previously established here in the dirty south, we love ourselves some guns.  Big guns, guns small enough to fit conveniently in your vag (aka Hoo-ha Holster), semi-automatics, yes, we love our guns.  They come in so handy for taking care of the errant home invader.  Even if that home invader is an imaginary gorilla.

The Setting:  Decatur, Tennessee.  An unidentified man called Decatur police to report “giant apes” were “gallivanting in” his home after he planted himself in his recliner and took aim at them with his shotgun.  As you probably guessed, the apes weren’t real, but dag-gummit, he thought they were.

At some point the apes**t must’ve hit the fan, because the man stopped speaking with dispatchers on the phone and left phone off the hook.  When officers arrived, they found him in his recliner holding a shotgun.  He had allegedly fired shots into the wall.

He was taken to a nearby mental hospital for evaluation.  No charges were filed.  The imaginary gorillas had apparently finished their “gallivanting” before police arrived and fled the scene.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) Gallivanting apes will NOT be tolerated in some homes in Decatur, Tennessee; 2) ANYONE can get a firearm in this country; and 3) Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape..

We here in the dirty south raise a gunpowder and antipsychotic flavored Mint Julep to you, unidentified man.  Having to deal with unruly, imaginary apes in your home is quite the inconvenience.  Next time, maybe you should just treat them to a slideshow of last year’s vacation to Pigeon Forge.  Nothing clears a room faster than a barrage of pics from Dollywood.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Gun Totin’ and Dog Bangin’. Just another Day in Sunny Florida

Well, here we are again, my sexy, yet loyal followers.  We once again get to journey into the world of firearms and fidos.  And, if we are doing them in the same article, then we must be headed back to sunny Florida.  Yes, Florida.  Where the crazy knows no limits and anything goes, apparently.

The Setting:  Tampa, Florida.  57-year-old Bernard Marsonek, a crazy-eyed Florida resident, was reportedly witnessed engaging in a little monogamous animal lovin’ with one of his pit bulls in his front yard (Because, when you are going to go full degenerate, what better place to showcase your de-evolution than your front yard, right?) when uptight neighbors requested that he stop mid-coitus. Bernie ignored their requests and continued with his carnal canine activities.  By the time police arrived, Bernie had “finished” and was back inside his home, presumably for an afterglow cigarette and a Milk Bone.

Police searched his home and found a gun and some ammo.  A huge no-no as it seems Bernie had previous felony convictions and was not supposed to be in possession of a firearm.  I know, right?  I was just as surprised as you!  Animal control officers also removed eight Pit Bulls, which were also found in the home.

He was arrested on felony charges of aggravated animal cruelty, two counts of being a felon in possession of a firearm, and a misdemeanor count of sexual activity with an animal.  He was held on $17,500 bond, but he somehow managed to post it and was released while an investigation is pending.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) I understand a degenerate’s need to showcase their depravity, but can we just, maybe once, keep it indoors?  2) Is it just me or the crazier the eyes on the individual, the more sense these stories make?  And 3) I keep picking up more sexy followers so you are all either enthralled by my reporting, or you’re just as much of a degenerate as I am.  Either way, I love you.

We here in the dirty south raise an all too familiar Beggin’ Strip flavored Mint Julep to you, unidentified pup.  You really did take one for the team on this one.  Here’s hoping you can make it out of this situation without Sarah McLachlan stepping in and writing a shitty song about your ordeal that makes me misty when I’m PMSing.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: The Curious Case of the Kentucky Carpet Muncher

Why and how I have managed to ignore Kentucky as a focus of our journeys into the dirty south is beyond me.  Apparently, they have some of the most delicious carpets in the world.  Especially when you are jacked up on meth.  Carpets as in Stainmaster.  What?  You were expecting a different kind of carpet munching?  I love you for your gutter minds.

The Setting:  Louisville, Kentucky.  50-year-old Jeffrey Wagner woke up and went about his normal day.  What you are unaware of, my sexy yet loyal followers, is that a “normal” day for ol’ Jeffrey entails getting wacked out of his mind on crystal meth.  Jeffrey got himself into some of ol’ Heisenberg’s blue and decided that a journey to a local Burlington Coat Factory was in order.  Once there, he helped himself to a veritable feast of carpet lint in the shoe department.  Employees happened upon his meth-fueled carpet picnic and called police.

When police arrived on the scene, Jeffrey reportedly stated that he was “eating sprinkles.”  He was searched and found to also be carrying Lortabs, a bag of crystal meth, a bag of “mysterious white powder,” and a bag of unidentified pills.  He was charged with possession and public intoxication and carted off on his methanfelony.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) You all have degenerately dirty minds, and I love you for them;  2) If you are going to tweak out on the crystal and help yourself to a carpet buffet it is probably best to not be a walking pharmacy; and 3) I’ve been told my carpet tastes like rainbow sprinkles too.

We here in the dirty south raise a Berber-flavored Mint Julep to you, Mr. Lint Licker.  Thank you for reminding us how filthy our minds really are, and that meth is starting to replace crack as a helluvah drug.

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban 

Dirty South: Peeping Tom Makes Shi**y Decision, Gets Busted by Police

Stalkers, peepers, creepers or wackos, whatever you want to call them, they are here to stay.  Just ask the stalker who has been living in my bushes for the past 2 years.  Some are more subtle and skilled in their chosen profession, others need a little more seasoning.

The Setting: Tulsa County, Oklahoma.  A woman was enjoying a day at the White Water Park, when nature called.  Unlike the rest of us, this goody-goody chose to go to the bathroom to relieve herself, rather than just let it go in the pool.  When she hit the outhouse-style bathroom, she saw a man looking up at her. Underneath the toilet!

52-year-old Kenneth Enlow hit a new low when he was found peeping up from the bathroom floor, which is apparently a concrete floor that separates the toilet from the dookie-filled pit below, you know, real high-class facilities.  He was reportedly covered in dirty squirties.

Enlow claimed that his girlfriend, “Angel,” knocked him unconscious with a tire iron and threw him in the poop pit.  Oh, I neglected to mention that Enlow is 6’, 240-pounds, so cops weren’t buying his story.

Enlow was charged with peeping and taken to jail.  His bond was set at $500.  Enlow also had outstanding warrants for embezzlement and illegal trash dumping, and had also been arrested for public intoxication and driving with a suspended license in the past.

So, what have we learned here today, kiddies?  1) Some creepers will go to any lengths to see some woman’s hoo-ha.  Even immerse themselves in a stank tank;  2) If you are going to be all high and mighty and use public bathrooms like some kind of socialite debutante, then you deserve whatever happens to you and; 3) my stalker/peeper needs to step up his game.  This “bushes creeping” is getting tired.

We here in the dirty south raise a Purell-laced Mint Julep to you, Mr. Enlow.  Whether you were knocked unconscious and tossed into a septic tank by a woman or you chose to climb in there for a chance at a free golden shower, you are definitely our kind of degenerate.  You may, however, want to refer to your Creeper Handbook.  I believe there is a chapter in there listing all the reasons crap tank peeping is frowned upon, or so my stalker tells me.

 

Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban