In 34 days, 4 hours and 30 minutes, the 2014 NFL season kicks off and with it comes Fantasy Football! The humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru released his Hot 100 rankings earlier today, the Razzball 32 in 32 in 32 Tour is about to hit the road (get your tix and check the schedule here) and now NFL.com has released their Top 100 Fantasy Football trends for 2014.
We’re ready for some football!
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Before we jump into the Fantasy Football Hot 100 Rankings, let your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru pull on your turban about something cool going down that will change the landscape of fantasy sports forever – The Razzball.com 32 in 32 in 32 Tour is ready to hit the road and The Guru will be along for the ride. We’re talking a 50,000 mile, rock and roll all night, party every day, psycho circus of fantasy ballin’ madness in full Razzball makeup! Starting next week, Razzball Radio and the Fantasy Sports Network will have shows from all 32 NFL cities and I’ll be posting the daily dirt here for all our Dirty Turbanites to follow along (and possibly contribute bail money). We hope to meet, greet, draft some teams and tip a few back with fantasy ballers from Seattle to Boston and all 30 cities in between. There are still some spots available, so get your tix here and you could win a trip to Vegas with the Razzball crew.
Need help with your Fantasy Football draft, check out Razzball’s 2014 Draft Kit and join a Razzball League today.
Rankings are for 12-team Standard Leagues
The Dirty Turban Hot 100
1. LeSean McCoy, RB
2. Jamaal Charles, RB
3. Adrian Peterson, RB
4. Matt Forte, RB
5. Eddie Lacy, RB
6. Jimmy Graham, TE
7. Calvin Johnson, WR
8. Dez Bryant, WR
9. Demaryius Thomas, WR
10. Julio Jones, WR
11. A.J. Green, WR
12. DeMarco Murray, RB
13. Rob Gronkowski, TE
14. Jordy Nelson, WR
15. Marshawn Lynch, RB
16. Montee Ball, RB
17. Le’Veon Bell, RB
18. Arian Foster, RB
19. Julius Thomas, TE
20. Brandon Marshall, WR
21. Keenan Allen, WR
22. Alshon Jeffery, WR
23. Randall Cobb, WR
24. Peyton Manning, QB
25. Aaron Rodgers, QB
26. Zac Stacy, RB
27. Drew Brees, QB
28. Doug Martin, RB
29. Andre Johnson, WR
30. C.J. Spiller, RB
31. Antonio Brown, WR
32. Toby Gerhart, RB
33. Pierre Garcon, WR
34. Larry Fitzgerald, WR
35. Roddy White, WR
36. Giovani Bernard, RB
37. Torrey Smith, WR
38. Jordan Cameron, TE
39. Matthew Stafford, QB
40. Bishop Sankey, RB
41. Alfred Morris, RB
42. Victor Cruz, WR
43. Michael Crabtree, WR
44. Vincent Jackson, WR
45. Marques Colston, WR
46. Joique Bell, RB
47. Reggie Bush, RB
48. Andre Ellington, RB
49. Ryan Mathews, RB
50. Shane Vereen, RB
51. Rueben Randle, WR
52. Mike Wallace, WR
53. Jeremy Maclin, WR
54. Jordan Reed, TE
55. Percy Harvin, WR
56. Michael Floyd, WR
57. Stevan Ridley, RB
58. Cam Newton, QB
59. Frank Gore, RB
60. DeSean Jackson, WR
61. Rashad Jennings, RB
62. Lamar Miller, RB
63. Trent Richardson, RB
64. Matt Ryan, QB
65. Tony Romo, QB
66. Vernon Davis, TE
67. Jay Cutler, QB
68. Andrew Luck, QB
69. Wes Welker, WR
70. Nick Foles, QB
71. Jeremy Hill, RB
72. Cordarrelle Patterson, WR
73. Dennis Pitta, TE
74. Robert Griffin III, QB
75. Golden Tate, WR
76. Terrance Williams, WR
77. Steven Jackson, RB
78. Tom Brady, QB
79. Jason Witten, TE
80. Bernard Pierce, RB
81. Kendall Wright, WR
82. Terrance West, RB
83. Ben Tate, RB
84. Eric Decker, WR
85. T.Y. Hilton, WR
86. Aaron Dobson, WR
87. DeAndre Hopkins
88. Chris Johnson, RB
89. Dwayne Bowe, WR
90. Sammy Watkins, WR
91. Kyle Rudolph, TE
92. Zach Ertz, TE
93. Greg Olsen, TE
94. Brandin Cooks, WR
95. Ben Roethlisberger, QB
96. Philip Rivers, QB
97. Reggie Wayne, WR
98. Danny Amendola, WR
99. Kelvin Benjamin. WR
100. Heath Miller, TE
Over the next few weeks, we’ll do a position-by-position breakdown. See you on the Razzball Tour.
Featured Writer: The Guru
@TheGuruGS
#TheDirtyTurban
Jon Stewart and The Daily Show gave Roger Goodell and the NFL an ol’ fashioned beatdown (bad choice of words? too soon?) over their “punishment” of Baltimore Ravens running batterer Ray Rice.
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The trade deadline is like crack for seam-heads like me. It’s a non-stop information orgy up until the 4pm deadline. With players moving all over the league, contenders staking their claim in this year’s playoff race and sellers building up and hording assets for the future. Yesterday’s deadline was one of the best I could remember with names like Jon Lester, David Price, Yoenis Cespedes, John Lackey, Allen Craig, and Austin Jackson finding new teams. Several of the moves had an effect on player values in our daily fantasy world going forward. With playing time opening up for some players and opportunities closing for others, it will be weeks before all this truly shakes out. With that said, we have a full slate of games to build our team from tonight, a lot of new options to mull over and money to burn.
Want to play with the Dirty Turban crew? Click this link. Here’s the Legendary Lifshitz DraftKings Roster for 8/1.
SP 1 – Chris Sale, $12,600: Chris Sale is like water in the desert, I need him in my life to survive. He gets the Twinkies today in Chicago. Sale’s career vs. the Twins are impressive: 6-1 with a 2.08 ERA , .94 WHIP, and 61 K’s in 56 IP. The Twins are 20th in wOBA vs. LHP and have the second worst K% at 23.2% on the road. This should all set up for a big point total from Sale.
SP 2 – Doug Fister, $7,800: One of the better buys on the pitching roster tonight is Fister. The Phillies and their road wOBA of .299 roll into the Capital tonight, and I like Fister’s high floor. I’m expecting a serious crotch punch to a putrid Phillies lineup, you know cause he’s a Fister. It also doesn’t hurt that in two career starts against Philadelphia Dougie Fist is 2-0 with 1.20 ERA and .53 WHIP.
C – Stephen Vogt, $3,800: The A’s get Jeremy “Go Deep” Guthrie tonight as the Royals kick off a three game set in Oak-town. Guthrie currently ranks 7th in HR/9 as he’s allowed an average of 1.30. So the A’s are certainly a very stackable option in GPP’s tonight. I like Vogt to bear some fruit in a home matchup against the righty Guthrie. Vogt slash line at home against righties is .352/.379/.500 and is on the right side of the platoon.
1B – Brandon Moss, $4,900: Moss is a funny player in terms of splits as he hits for power against righties and is a better contact hitter against lefties. 19 of his 23 homers have come off RHP but his average against righties is .255. His home road power splits are pretty even with 11 dongs coming at home (eww) and a dozen on the road. Where I’m going with all this is he gets Guthrie at home. Guthrie is righty who gives up homers in bunches. Moss hits homers off righties. Needless to say Moss is my DONG OF THE NIGHT!
2B – Kolten Wong, $3,900: Over the last 30 days, Wong has been a top 5 2B in our game. His wOBA over that time is .381 which is top 30 in MLB over that time. He also brings a nice speed/power tool set to the table that’s always dangerous on DraftKings. He faces Wily Peralta tonight who’s been a mess in July surrendering 5 homers in 30 innings and 4.80 ERA. Priced in the sub-$4k range has me buying some Wong. That sounded Wong! Pun points!
3B – Yangervis Solarte, $3,400: In 9 games since joining the Padres, Solarte has rediscovered his early season from. Thus far he’s hitting .324 with 2 homers, 8 RBI’s, and 8 runs in his San Diego career. He’s a cheap option at third tonight and faces the always hittable Mike Minor.
SS – Jose Ramirez, $2,500: Punt Play Alert! With Asdrubal Cabrera moving to Washington it opens up playing time for Ramirez. He’s a solid contact/speed guy at a weak position, so he could be one of the biggest benefactors from yesterday’s trade deadline. That’s as long as Cleveland keeps Francisco Lindor in Columbus.
OF 1 – Chris Coghlan, $4,000: Not many players have been hotter than Coghlan coming out of July. The Northside’s CC was the 4th best hitter according to wOBA last month, and faces Dan Haren this evening at Dodger Stadium. Haren’s ERA in July was 9.47. Seriously he had more earned runs allowed (20) than innings (19) last month. Cubs stack attack? Maybe….
OF 2 – Oscar Taveras, $3,500: With Allen Craig heading out of town Tavares is in place for immediate playing time, and took advantage of it right away by homering last night. Tavares faces Wily Peralta tonight and if you don’t know my thoughts on him you didn’t read my blurb on Kolten Wong. I mean what’s Wong with you, you skip my blurbs?
OF 3- David Peralta, $3,500: I can’t tell you why I love David Peralta but he always seems to end up in my lineups. Maybe it’s the .300 average and the sub $4K price, maybe it’s his eyes, I don’t know. More than likely it’s the fact that he rakes against righties at home (.338 BA, 2 hr’s, 11 rbi’s, .402 wOBA). He gets a righty tonight in Edinson Volquez that’s known to have some serious diarrhea starts.
As always be sure to check the lineups, give a look at the weather and I toast your team with slightly chilled Manischewitz.
Contributing Writer: Ralph Lifshitz
@Ralphlifshitzbb
#DirtyTurban
Rookie hazing is part of the rite of passage in the NFL and the Washington Redskins gave new teammate Zach Hocker the greatest mohawk of all time.
No one ever said your rookie season would be easy… pic.twitter.com/KjZA3NCg5V
— Zach Hocker (@zhocker18) July 31, 2014
Welcome to the league, kid. Now go buy a hat.
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Nice work, Fox News Minnesota. You have to admit though, if you’re going to completely f**k up a story on domestic violence this is the only way to do it.
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It has been noted in many a Dirty South article before that Alabammy is less than open-minded when it comes to anything “south of the border.” However, it seems that passing laws to make sex toys and lady parts illegal wasn’t enough for their fragile, Puritanical sensibilities. Gentlemen, Alabammy just stepped up their game in the “we won’t tolerate private parts ‘round here” arena, and you aren’t going to like what you hear.
The Setting: Birmingham, Alabama. 56-year-old Johnny Lee Banks, Jr., checked into a local hospital for a routine circumcision, and awoke to find his wink-a-doodle had been completely amputated during the surgery. Banks is now suing Simon-Williamson Clinic and the Urology Centers of Alabama and as he stated that he was not provided a reason by any medical staff as to why his love muscle had been removed.
Banks, who is married but presently unemployed due to an undisclosed disability “is devastated,” according to his attorney, John Graves. A hospital spokeswoman, Kate DeWitt Darden, dropped her two cents in to the ring by making one of the stupidest comments of the year: “His allegations are without merit. We intend to defend all counts aggressively.”
Without merit!? They guy is missing his dong, lady! Wow, those Alabamians REALLY don’t want to believe that sexy parts exist!
We here in the dirty south raise a Mint Julep to you, Mr. Banks. While the women of Dirty South Nation applaud you for finally wanting to get rid of that anteater at 56, we also believe that a penis is a terrible thing to waste.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban
And on the eighth day God created yoga pants.
Enjoy the weekend!
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Here in the dirty south, trucks abound. Over the years, one thing this single, yet glamorously beautiful southern girl has noticed: the bigger the truck, the bigger the asshole. And now it seems that trucks agree and are making it clear that they have had enough.
The Setting: Gainesville, Florida. 48-year-old Joseph Carl used his better judgment and decided that, after a day of heavy drinking, it would be a good idea to get behind the wheel of his truck and go for a spin. When he arrived at a stop light, he found a less courteous driver stopped thoughtlessly at a red light, and needless to say, he rear-ended her.
Being one to want to educate fellow drivers on the error of their ways and pay it forward, Broseph got out of his vehicle and approached the woman sitting in her car. The careless woman over-reacted to having a strange man angrily banging on her driver side window, and drove off.
This is not the end to this story, however. When ‘ol Joe rear-ended the woman and got out of his truck, it seems that he was so eager to teach her proper driver’s etiquette that he neglected to put the truck in park. Her car was holding his in place, and when she drove off, Joe’s truck went all Maximum Overdrive and rolled over him.
He was taken to a local hospital where he was treated for some broken bones in his hand and foot. His efforts were unappreciated by police as he was also charged with DUI and DUI property damage.
We here in the dirty south raise a radial-flavored Mint Julep to you, Joe. You made a sound decision to drive while hammered, rear-end a less courteous driver who thought to stop at a red light, and then ended up creamed by your own truck. They call it road rage, we degenerates call it a Sunday drive. Next time you are in Wilmington, meet me at the Dixie Boy Truck Stop and we can toss a few back before hitting the road again.
Contributing Writer: Dixie Darling
@TDDSports
#TheDirtyTurban
Move over, Bobby Flay, you’re a dick anyway. The Food Network has a new star and it’s Aunt Phee who is cookin’ up something that “ain’t no mutherf***in’ prison food.”
Delicious! Hey Food Network, put her on Chopped or Iron Chef. If Aunt Phee don’t win she’s gonna cut a bitch.
[turban tip Barstool]
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the DIRTY TURBAN 